Thursday, March 24, 2016

On Sanity {and attempts at keeping it}

As mentioned in the previous post, work has proven to be a test on my sanity, often making me feel I'm not doing enough yet also feeling overwhelmed with biting off more than I can swallow all in the vain attempt to prove myself worthy of more and more responsibility in the hopes of a potential promotion in the future, to climb the ranks, to show I'm not a silly 23yo girl with a fancy piece of educationally-produced paper, but someone who's ready to take on the world and its problems.

Yet, while I've learned a lot in the past 10 months, 6 days of being in this position, I'm beginning to feel there may be no light at the end of the tunnel, no way of reaching the next rung on the corporate ladder, stuck in limbo of going above and beyond my job description while others toil away with their incompetency.

When work begins to creep into the innermost crevices of one's personal life, perhaps a reevaluation is in order as far as priorities and life goals/desires go... With these consistent mood swings and feeling of dread of going into work, often resulting in a sickening, dizzy headache are signs that this whole work/life balance is entirely out of wack. Monday was the most recent episode: what was to be a brief visit with Superman for a mood-lifting pep talk resulted in increased dread and lightheadedness as the time for work crept closer, causing me to call in that I'll be late so I could mentally calm down and make the world stop spinning, a physical reaction on my vision as my internal stability feels so fragile at times.

While life is full of sacrifices, events are missed because life calls and responsibilities must be fulfilled, but when this is a constant, encroaching phenomenon which takes me away from friends and family, there is an issue. There are events coming up which I refuse to miss: my besties' weddings in April & May, another friend's wedding in May, Heidi's graduation, and a few others dotted here and there...

Time with friends is needed to maintain those wondrous relationships and for a battery recharge.

The one and only Nickove, as photographed for unTappd

Got away for an evening and saw my lovely friend Nickove a few weeks ago {my sense of time is completely off anymore} and it was a pretty darn good night full of live music and old buds from college. On nights like those, all work thoughts go out the window as I enjoy the company of others and catch up on the exciting things in their lives - that's how relationships operate: sharing our treasured moments with the great people in our lives and taking time to get together in order to have shared memories to further enrich our lives.

I feel work is taking that away from me....a sense of livelihood and purpose outside of the walls of that hospital basement. Lunch with Superman certainly grants a getaway from the same-old, same-old as well as provides an outlet for my steam as he patiently listens and offers the superhero wisdom he possesses...

Yesterday, the better part of my afternoon was spent in Lancaster, gallivanting about the city in search of good brews and snacks at some new {to me} venues. Finding time to explore, even if it's in an area not too far away from me helps to relieve my wanderlust blues so I don't feel so trapped in this mental prison I've too often found myself locked inside in regards to work.

My anger spiked from incoming emails of scheduling issues which can easily be managed - if managed right - but were sent to me like I can magically fix them, as though it is my duty to placate everyone when they're forced to step up to the plate, their shortcomings slowly coming to light as they are incapable of filling in when and where needed... I speak truths not to sound uppity, but to put words to the swirling mists in my mind, questioning why grown men twice my age cannot see the greater picture or look beyond their plights when there are greater staffing issues on other days - certain people cannot be the ones to fix all of the gaps nor should their be varying expectations when it comes to management...questioning is it really worth the anger and bitterness accumulating in my soul?

A beautiful walk in the city following the silencing of my work cell, speaking with Superman of how beautiful my mini adventure was turning out to be most definitely calmed me down so I could continue on in my exploration... Hit spots included {which, of course, I'll be reviewing on Trip Advisor}:

After another explosion riveted with expletives and exasperation over the phone with Superman, last night I had my work phone shoved in a corner of my living room while I went off to enjoy some brews with my Big Bro as we waited for Tree to catch up with us. {Shameless plug for Funk Brewing in E-town}

As Big Bro pointed out, it's certainly okay that I talk to friends about my work frustrations, but it shouldn't get to the point where I have to do so in order to avoid such outbursts of anguish... the fact that it is infringing upon my happiness in my personal life is clear indication this may simply not be the job for me and that's okay, too. There are other places of employment and perusing until I find a job in which I can use my talents and also enjoy {as well as leave at the office or take home sparingly} seems to be my next step in the next several months...

Life's too short to go raving mad, albeit we're all a bit mad around here...we'll see how crazy I'm willing to be in the hunt for professional satisfaction.


No comments:

Post a Comment