Sunday, January 31, 2016

Fluctuation of Feelings

Friday, I found myself yet again feeling a bit like a lost puppy...

Before work, I spent time ninja-scaling snow piles all in the name of navigating the sidewalks to the nearest Turkey Hill for my Monster Zero fix.

I finally had an inkling of a tummy rumble, my typically ever-hungry stomach fit for a 200lb man had been rather quiet despite the minimal nourishment over the past several days, my mood dipping down low enough to switch off the hunger light switch down in the depths of my tum tum. My sandwich proved unsatisfactory as nothing seemed to taste right nor exceptionally appealing as I mopped about, zombie-walking and coasting through the motions.

I know heartbreak to be a very real feeling, shaking my inner core and numbing the mind, bringing a sense of not knowing how to even feel....

Flipping through old notes in my phone, these still hold true from 15 Nov 2014, as I had my Favorite Sad Songs playlist looping on repeat, particularly I Can't Stop Drinking about You by Bebe Rexha, which resonates a tad about a delicious night echoing the activity suggested by the title.....
Maybe the reason I'm so attracted to those sad, lonely songs is because I can relate to their raw cry of sorrow which cannot be soothed but by what is lost and gone, time itself a futile attempt at suppressing the agony of piercing holes agape in the heart...and yet maybe I find myself willing my heart to mend itself by finding comfort in those lamenting words I've come to know so well.

Sad songs...can this please be a genre on Pandora?

Many more tears shed since the last post, but a few were happy, too....Shaking, convulsing, writhing in that mental, heartfelt pain that tears apart all sense of reality and surroundings.

However, I may yet have that happy ending we all crave {no, not that kind bought from a shady massage parlor}

Friday, January 29, 2016

Insomnia and Random Tear Facts

  • The composition of tears is similar to that of saliva.
  • Humans are the only animals to have emotional links to their crying {hmm...what about dogs, though?}.
  • Runny noses during a big blubber-fest are due to tears traveling through your schnoz and out of your eyeballs....

Random, yes. Relevant, equally yes.

I do find it fascinating how, without fail, humans have a tendency to look at themselves in the mirror to see the damage a great cry-fest has wreaked upon their visage. Red, puffy eyes and and a ruddy, beet red in the face = solid, thorough ugly-cry.

In this state, I shamelessly found myself for hours today....and yesterday....and Tuesday night....and a bit at work tonight while my poor {and kind} friend, Nickove, listened without any passing judgment at my semi-sensible jibberish. Breaking one of my personal rules of never letting any but a few see me cry, I blubbered at work, feeling somewhat pathetic and stupid, knowing I brought this upon myself by acting like a dingus and trying to answer everyone else's {virtual} cries for help as I drown in my own issues. I want to be a good friend, but need to work on better reading people and learning to be more mindful of others - don't we all?

Hmm perhaps I should add to that silly dating list I concocted in a previous post is that it's okay to ugly-cry and feel completely, and utterly lost in the world even when you're the one who kinda sucks {mega jab at myself}....more than likely, you're not the only one in that boat. Kind words from kind friends help take a bit of the sting out when you're stuck in the terrible rut of self-loathing for hurting another individual, and they remind yourself that you need to fix it because you broke it {again, mega jab at myself}.

Typically, I would comfort anyone upset and crying, but feel self-disgust at myself for breaking down in such a way, but sometimes crying is all we have left as an outlet. That release is much needed to avoid exploding and as I learned tonight, for someone special, all shame and façade goes out the dang window...Nickove told me that even BAMFs break down sometimes and it doesn't mean we're any less of a toughie {as I'd like to think I am} if people see us crying - thank you to the kind male HSTs for leaving the room when they entered and saw me sobbing, and for not laughing at me, except for one, when I said I felt like a giant turd.

Dark days shall pass and I'm hoping the past few will become just that - a few dark days. In the meantime, heart will remain heavy...if I hurt somebody, it cuts me deeply as well, knowing I've inflicted pain upon another by being stupid and not thinking.

Perhaps I shall make sense to a few readers....any similar scenarios/situations/woeful tales? Hurray, my mum isn't my sole previewer as I had suspected for quite some time. Misery loves company, so please, by all means, feel free to share your times of being a complete and utter dingus so I don't feel like the only regretful, blundering idiot.

Once again, rambling into the wee hours of the morning, unable to sleep and belly oddly quiet despite not eating but a few small bites of buffalo chicken dip for brekkie. Who knew the heart and stomach had correlations in a woman? Okay, maybe I'm surprised due to my most ardent love of pizza-rolls being shoved to the wayside. If I love you more than pizza-rolls, that's saying something...

Dear sleep, take me swiftly and keep my mind's tendency to wander off into nightmares, at bay...albeit it's likely what I deserve.


Thursday, January 28, 2016

Ice is nice @3 in the morning.

Last night was a night of resorting to old habits: traipsing the semi-dark streets at an ungodly hour, well disconnected from the world with possibility of being followed/abducted/heckled, with added danger of piled snow and fast-covering black ice - wooo!

In a sense, I felt as though I was searching....searching for what, I cannot say. Some may say "soul searching," but mayhap not... Perhaps slightly inebriated me was looking to find myself out in the cold, dark conditions at an hour in which few are out and about... Or hoping that same ol' superhero would find me as my cheeks grew more numb by the minute walking along that long route.

Soul searching - that is a proper label for such a night, non? A wild goose chase followed by a wobbly late night excursion amongst the snow piles, often wading and leaping like a disgruntled ballerina. I'm sure I looked better in my head than to those poor, innocent bystanders in passing cars...

Listening to my favorite sad song playlist {yes, that's a legit thing on my iPod}, I walked for well over an hour, taking in the silent still of the night, the beauty of the packed snow from the past weekend's snowfall. The events of this weekend running through my mind....the fatigue, desperation of wanting to step up to the plate, the shit storm of the all boiled down to this: piles upon piles of snow and a woman feeling more lost than ever.

Once again, I've taken to Hello Giggles for a good read despite the stack of library books awaiting my attention...feeling rather lonely tonight. The #unsentproject piqued my interest as there were many texts sent last night, and many I refrained my cold, clumsy fingers from creating and sending... Text can only provide so much, but in today's modern technology-centralized world, it's convenient and can feel comforting for untangling hidden thoughts and feelings or sending someone a quick reminder that they're loved {wuv you, Mummy!}.

What about all of those texts we never send, though? It does not make them any less than those we may have needed a bit of tenacity to send. As mentioned in the previous post in regards to travel, timing is key and sometimes those messages should not be sent via black&white text, but withheld for a more personal, face-to-face interaction.

True, it's best not to bottle up feelings, and text can grant one that outlet when in-person communication is not a viable option, but we rationalize with ourselves that mum's the word and keep hush on delicate matters. I feel this project seeks that very irrational decision so many of us have found ourselves making, but, like PostSecret, makes public these very anonymous submissions of texts never sent to someone, for better or for worse. I'm sure, to some degree, we can all relate {if we text} to choosing to do so at some points or another in order to spare feelings or simply protect our own heart from potential impeding risk/danger.

As I've learned throughout the years, it's often much better for both parties to clear any airs and just spill the beans, send those characters as text message - it was created for a reason, not to be deleted after being reread and debated countless times...

Admittedly, this looks better on IG...

With words out in the open, I've said my bit and am finally properly exhausted....darn you, Mother Nature, for making me sleepy, or perhaps it's the delicious locally brewed ales I tried tonight, or a conglomeration of these + the sadness instilled by accepting some of the troublesome burdens of others to ease their emotional load.

{Pssst if you like beer, check out the unTappd app, available from Apple iTunes and Google Play. My username is g33kandchic so you can follow some of the delicious ales I've tried since downloading and will be trying on future adventures!}


Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Wanderlust & Cabin Fever

Is it possible to get cabin fever if you can leave the apartment?

After being cooped up either in the hospital or briefly in my apartment for the past few days due to the shit storm of the century, I'm beginning to feel a little stir-crazy... 16 days until I leave for Ireland, exploring the Irish motherland for a few days and anticipating falling in love with yet another foreign country {England still holds my heart, followed closely by Switzerland}.

Reading travel blog posts and finding travel tips on Pinterest only instigates my extreme case of wanderlust and makes me yearn for the next adventure, whether it be state-side or any direction outside our borders.

This post explores this sweet gal's first 11 foreign countries, with much excited anticipation for the next 11+.

I've read about so many wondrous and brave people leaving "corporate USA" to fulfill their lifelong dream of traveling the world and you know, that doesn't sound all too shabby... Travel tips here on how to {basically} travel for free.

I'm just starting off my career, but know I'm not where I want to spend the rest of my life.... However, money is a necessary evil, particularly with nasty student loans {<$10K to go!!!} so I have to hang in there and make time to travel in between the craziness of operations while building my resume and bank reserves for such a daring and audacious action...

Oh! I have a travel tip! If you're planning on visiting Niagara Falls, you may want to do it sooner rather than later...according to this, they'll be shutting the falls off momentarily to allow for major repairs. So happy I went to see the magnificent falls in summer 2014 {holy cow, it's been that long??}.

I'm planning on taking a grand adventure back to Europe, scoping out the best way of going about this, with my sights focusing on this Ultimate Europe Adventure, but alas, this all depends on my grand life scheme career plan. Here's to hoping I have the proverbial balls audacity to pull this thing off....timing is everything, after all ;)

For now, looking forward to a mental getaway to the motherland in Bumfuck, PA and getting as many hugs from my mummy as I can before working a buttload and packing in between shifts.

Ireland and more adventures await!!

This gal's ready to jet off!

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Gumption to the Test

Sometimes, we don't know how tough we are until we're put to the test.

*cue Eastern Coast Blizzard 2k16*

With most employees snowed in and being considered "essential staffing" at the hospital, my crew and I had to make it one way or another in order to serve. Sure, it sounds quite noble and brave, but really, it was exhausting and put my sanity to the test, stretching it a tad bit thin.

In reflection of this shit-tastic weekend, it had me thinking about employees and work ethic in general. Sometimes, it takes gumption to push through a hard day's work, when shit hits the fan, or when you're a bit thinner for a shift than you would feel comfortable. One can learn a lot about someone else by working with them, as well as how much you can take on, learning a bit of insight on yourself. One of the interview questions for this job is to describe a time when you felt stretched to your limits - I'd say this was a prime example.

With limited staffing able to get to the account, this weekend showed me how tough people can be - nurses included. Many grabbed a hotel room nearby in order to get a few short hours of rest before returning for another long shift. Surrounded by strong people just trying to make it through the worst storm in years, it was a morale boost just knowing we weren't alone - we were all hurtin' nonetheless. It also helped that I had a Superman to get us through and keep me sane and from losing my mind when I was left all on my own...

Snowfall hit all-time records, covering everything in sight in a few hours and continuing to pile on.

Seriously, what the hell, Mother Nature??

When someone {finally} completely cleared the walkway by Sunday evening, it was up to my wenis.

Tight squeeze through all of the snow....

Someone so kindly cleared out the cars and even wiped out the left side of my car, leaving a Mohawk on top so I wouldn't feel left out and could shovel some of the mess left from the shitstorm.

Thank you for leaving me snow to remove myself! {Not pictured: directly to the right, the spot was completely bare and snow removed}

I was worried I wouldn't get to join the fun of shoveling for many hours. So thankful I was graciously left this mountain of snow to move on my third {and failing} wind of the day....and this was after Superman had forced me to take a nap since I was basically sleep-walking.

Dear Mother Nature, please don't hold back next winter - just let it out instead of exploding. I'll do the same with my temper and emotions, deal?

Saturday, January 23, 2016


'Cause I might not last the night without you by my side tonight,
So, Superman, don't fly away from me-e.

Perhaps I'll need to learn, once again, how to be my own superhero, to save myself in troubled times... I feel as though I've forgotten how to do that, depending all too much in others to be that crutch to hold me up as I try not to spiral down into the dark abyss I abhor most ardently, still struggling with the fight against that evil plight cast from self-doubt and insecurity.

As the snow rushed about like I was entering hyperspeed in the Millennium Falcon, fear gripped tighter than my hands on the steering wheel, flashbacks of the January two years prior.... Admittedly, self-deprecating thoughts swirled through my mind, willing the road to claim me as its own as a means of sparing others from the unintentional destruction I so often cause.

We think of superheroes are elite, morals-following superior beings with modest humility, there to save the world and tackle anything life throws at them, when in reality, perhaps our own flawed, sometimes shitty, individual selves can be just the hero we need in our lives to pick us up from the bottom. {cue rap songs}

As I listened to the blood expelling throughout my body via my heart resounding in my eardrums, I couldn't help but feel somewhat empowered and free, letting fate take the wheel {sorry, Jesus} and seeing where it took me, for better or for worse, selfishly not giving a flying fig if anyone knew I had left work or not - okay, quite foolish in hindsight; sowwy, Mummy <3

Stubborn beings do what stubborn beings want/need to do and in taking that foolish leap of faith on the snow-ridden roadways, I inadvertently showed myself I can simultaneously take and lose control to regain that balance I so desperately crave. Take control of things I have the power to control and relinquish my failing grasp on those things which I cannot.

Yet again, I digress from the main topic - off on tangents in my own thought and cadence.

I'm making it through the long nights without a Superman by my side {see proverbial song lyrics up tippy top}, but that doesn't make it all the easier nor enjoyable albeit having Mr. Hippy helps. We all need solid relationships in our lives to share the burden and joys {yes, even introverts} of life, but if you're like me, you may all too often cling more to one person due to old habits or out of convenience when there may be others just as willing to lend a helping hand or listening ear, and we miss out on someone who may have a better grasp of the situation or may even have us figured out better than we do ourselves...

The concept of super beings and superheroes is one that intrigues humans as we seek some higher entity on earth to guide us and make everything better with a simple swish and flick and that may be a bit of the appeal. Hmm mind is at its wits' end as the wee hours of the night crash upon us and that's all I have for tonight.

More posts to come....after sleep and potential work shift which means risking the perils of the road again... >blech<


Thursday, January 14, 2016

Skepticism and Reflection


All of these have been spit, hissed, and thrown at me as supposedly venomous words meant to damage my young ego and little girl feelings throughout grade school - words I typically took pride in regardless. Now, these very words are used as praise, mixed in with a reference to appearance, as though these attributes are only now acceptable as a direct correlation to my transformation into adulthood reminiscent to that of the ugly duckling {okay, I was only ugly when I was 2yo, then was just a little dingus afterwards}.

What makes sci-fi all of a sudden the "it" thing?? Personal reflection on this anthropological observation on popular culture to ensue...

Lookin' good front and center in 5th grade
I find it interesting that little girls are bullied for liking "nerdy" things, such as Star Wars and Harry Potter, insulted or told they're not "girly enough" for enjoying alone time surrounded by stacks of books, increasing vocabulary and exercising the mind and imagination. Perhaps this lends a hand in why I'm rather skeptical of compliments made on my appearance, albeit if a little kid says I look like poo or a princess, more than likely they're dead-on because kids have zero filter.

24 Champ/Record Maker & Harry Potter - 4th grade
Being geeky is now the new "cool," rivaling the equally "cool" {for lack of a better term} hipster, except now that geekiness has morphed to being sexy and geeky {think Princess Leia's iconic slave costume}. This whole phenomenon still mind-boggles me as in years past, a geek brought about thoughts of the chubby comic book guy from the Simpsons sitting around in his mother's dusty basement with his figurines and vacuum-sealed Marvels.

I'm of the mind that a woman's sexuality can be more than objectification and also be a sense of empowerment, always finding offense in the hypocrisy of men being praised for promiscuity and women scrutiny for simply kissing two different guys in a month {I embellish slightly, but you get the gist}. And hey, I want to be slave Leia for Halloween one year because Carrie Fisher's Leia is pretty BA, much like Lena Headey's Queen Gorgo from 300.

I find nothing wrong in someone wanting to be a sexy, fierce woman - emphasis on the fierce. As I've grown up, I've become increasingly weary of attention brought about from these curséd genetic curves, still lost in my little dorky realm of doing well intellectually, professionally as opposed to how my bum looks in a pair of trousers {although good bum days are a nice ego boost for my sole benefit}.

Hurray for a great pair of jeggings, my Chewbacca hat, and Star Wars socks!
Hmm perhaps my reflection is on thinking back, how much I've grown since leaving that small town where the cool kids weren't the brainiacs, but were just cool kids who thought I was nice but far from cool and not worth their time. My looks haven't shifted all that much, but my outlook on life has slightly....and my sense of style {thank goodness}. I'm not saying I'm a beauty queen {I can make a mighty fine double-chin any day}, but still feel like that awkward little kid who feels weird when her looks are randomly complimented - also may be in part to fuckboys stupid boys convincing me I could trust them against my reservations, only to have my soul temporarily cloven in two dilapidated pieces.

Non-sexy and practical - gotta love my Chewie hat.
{and screw winter chill}
Once again I could be overthinking many things, but I can't be the only 20-something year old who was considered a dingus in hs but has since grown wings and flown away from the nonsense, embracing their dork side.

I can't forget my roots, but I won't let someone else decide if I'm cool or not. All that matters is I know I'm a happy looney loner loser and my Mum thinks I'm rad.


Friday, January 8, 2016

On Trust and Instinct

My advice: trust no one but you're Mum, Gramps, and your sister {but only if the situation does not make it plausible for a prank}.

Trusting no one, however, would get one nowhere... By trusting, we build those connections, sometimes blindly putting faith in another human being on instinct and chemical reactions our brains course throughout our body from an explosion of unknown origin.

While I'd love to say I'm anti-boys, anti-drama {notice I didn't say "girls," because most girls are pretty rad!}, and anti-bacon - okay, I'm always going to be anti-bacon - it would be unreasonable of me to advocate myself as such.

Placing trust in another, whether it be an acquaintance, a friend, a budding friendship with a cat, or a superhero, is a good thing. Sometimes, we place trust in the wrong people, and that is how we learn to be more selective with those with whom we indulge delicate matters... But placing trust takes some of our burdens away, making it easier to share the burdens of others who place their trust in us, creating a domino-effect of making us feel not so alone in this often lonely planet. Ironic: 7+ billion people on this planet and loneliness is not only possible, but a highly likely phenomenon!

So, I implore you ignore that bastardized advice my brain attempts to make my heart follow.... Albeit we often follow the heart blindly, I've learned that sometimes it's not so far off in its thinking {take that, oh-so-smarty-pants Brain}. While the Brain likes to view itself as the Guardian of the Heart, it sometimes needs to take a step back and let the heart be free to experience love and the tribulations of life with the possibility that it's going to get hurt from friends, animal snubbing, family, etc.

In the meantime, grab yourself some buffalo chicken dip, or some other delicious vice. Being alone means I can eat out of the damn bowl without fear of judgment, right? {at least only silent judgment now that I've posted}

*side note: I am using crackers, not a spoon or my fingers...I'm not a total animal*

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Alone in Spirit, Lonely in Soul

I feel there is a hard difference between being alone and feeling lonely - I can thrive on my own, all day in the apartment, accomplishing nearly everything on my to-do list {for real, who actually completes a to-do list??} yet walk into a room and feel overwhelmed or ostracized to the point where I feel quite beside myself with loneliness, feeling unrelatable to anyone in the vicinity...

Mayhap introverted qualities contributes to this odd sensation frequently felt in a room full of people.

Spending so much time with myself, whether it's due to needing to get some work accomplished, time off when all of my friends are at work, or simply needing to recharge my social batteries, I can honestly say I've become fairly comfortable with my own company, often preferring it to certain others...but that's not to say I don't, at times, feel lonely cooped up in my apartment or when I get back late at night, snuggling alone with my stuffed hippo.

Loneliness is a part of life; we accept it as we accept water is a vital part of survival. Loneliness is not a particularly joyous feeling, but one that is perfectly natural to feel, whether one is surrounded by twelve other people, stuffed animals and a ukulele {as I frequently find myself}, or even when the only form of interaction is through a pixelated screen.

Loneliness is unpredictable as well...most times, I'm perfectly content in dolling myself up to take myself out for some well-deserved wings {yum, Habanero mango!} and some Yuengling, as occurred Monday night...I hardly spoke all day on account of my voice going in and out, soothed somewhat by the copious amounts of hot herbal tea consumed. Interaction minimal, Instagram and Facebook scrolling abundant in order to ward off any potential unwanted attention from lads at the bar {works like a charm}.

Other days, I wake up like this {oh, the wonders of make-up, indeed}, uninspired by the day and longing for some cuddles {all fur babies welcome} after spending another night alone in bed.

Don't get me wrong, introverts thrive on their own and in their own controllable safety-bubbles, confined to their little space yet free of mind as their thoughts soar among the literary or musical clouds, and not sharing a bed is certainly fabulous at times, too, but again, loneliness in its unpredictability makes it all the harder to feel so energized by those previously liberating good-feels.

In the end, I guess we're all alone, eh? It'd be nice to spend some of that time before the final snuff with people we like, though, but alas, in-between those times, that's why I have stuffed animals and I'll play my ukulele to them.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Where my feet take me

Throughout my travels, my tootsies have carried me over and under some fairly fabulous places, with many more adventures in the works for the future.

Your legs and feet are capable of taking one to the ends of the earth - and the little crevices in between - as highlight in Home Sweet Anywhere, a good read and I highly recommend for anyone who likes to travel physically or metaphysically {through the imagination}. This duo proves age is no boundary; all it takes is careful planning and a thirst for adventure.

Having been abroad, I've come to realize the necessity of a car {or for truly awesome & kind friends & family who have one} in order to get around in this vast country... Sure, we have the Amtrak station and Greyhound, but public transportation is not nearly what it is in, say, Great Britain or Germany.

Simply getting to and work is a hike, as I've soon found out after being without a set of wheels since {gasp!} December 17th, when my dear C3 took a turn for the worst and currently awaits surgery....Thank goodness for wonderful friends & family for generously hauling my azz to and from work

However, this has forced me to get creative and to stay home more, as well as tack on a few more miles on my shoes walking to the grocery store {what's 2 miles there & back?} and to the movie theater. This allowed for provoking ideas to cascade in my Kingston, it was easily a mile's walk from my flat to Sainsbury and I happily made that walk, yet here, it's much more convenient for one to hop into the car and drive that mile or so down the road, which has me questioning: when did I become so dang lazy??

Weather permitting, I may make that walk to the grocery store mandatory if I find myself running out of eggs or a sale on avocados beckons me....

Walking-walking-walking has made me more aware of my surroundings and of this beautiful little town in which I reside, seeking out new digs and gems hidden in plain well as the realization that people are idiots and enjoy beeping for no apparent reason.

Upside: exercise, yay!

Downside: tired tootsides, especially as I'm racking up several miles per shift at work.

....which calls for sweats and a self-administered foot massage >ouch<

Friday, January 1, 2016

New Year, not a new me.

I grow weary of the same-old BS people post, that clichéd "New Year, New Me" adage to which people so tirelessly attest. No shit, Sherlock, you're going to become a new person, but it's not going to happen miraculously when the clock strikes midnight as it did for dear ol' Cinderella.

New Years' Resolutions have been shown to do more harm than good - likely due to the high expectations we place upon ourselves for the upcoming year. Now I'm not saying that bettering oneself nor setting high, yet reasonably obtainable, goals is the issue. It's the silly notion that we have to wait until the new year in order to do so.

Why can't self-improvement be a continuous process? Why wait until the new year to begin?

True...I'm taking little steps to better myself: better stress-management, more regulated exercise regime {I type this as I eat chocolate chip pancakes lol}, a more understanding person, but I know it's not going to be because I make these resolutions, but because I choose to do so.

I feel I've become a better person than I was a few shorts months ago, a few weeks ago, and heck, even yesterday.

I do vow to continue to daily goal of at least one person's day a littler brighter every day.

Enough of the deep did you spend New Year's Eve?

I worked, then made dinner for my Gramps, and then ventured off for the company of strangers at a new bar, mingling with an interesting, yet boisterous, group of adults.

My NYE kiss belonged to a beautiful glass of bubbly, followed by a brisk walk back to my apartment for PANCAKES. Yaaaaasssss.