Ownership

Ted Talks - good stuff.

While I had not listened to any motivational speakers, Tree sent one that proved to be a solid need-to-hear topic: extreme ownership. In it, Jocko Willink emphasizes the importance of owning up to things even when outside of your control. Blame does nothing but pass on the torch of responsibility.

Taking ownership of the blunder can be empowering and show others that yeah, sh!t hit the fan, but it won't happen again under your watch because you will ensure it will not.

In my current position, the blame game is prevalent from one shift to another, and, I must admit, I am not entirely exempt from this, too. While impossible to implement a full 180 on attitude adjustment, I have started catching myself to think more critically of what I could have done better in my own decisions and passing on good habits to my team to instill that same sense of self-reflection in them.

Enjoy :)

xxx

Numbers

I did not want to....I sat in that parking lot for more than 20 minutes, arguing on the phone as to why I shouldn't even bother to try, that it will amount to naught, that my efforts will never be enough for myself...yet I made myself get out of that care and my butt into the gym.

Afterwards, did I feel better? No. Honestly, I felt worse. My throat was on fire, I felt cramped under my neoprene sweatsuit and a tad sick after coming out into the cold, drenched in sweat. This morning, I felt accomplished, though.

During my commute home, I was thinking about my conversation on the phone, about my struggle with the stupid numbers on the scale, how long that fight has been going on... 12 years old is too young to be worrying about one's weight or size, yet there I was, struggling internally as my chest began to grow and I grew ever more awkward in my skin.

As a self-reminder, and to those struggling with their own body image and weight - while we may have goals in mind to be at a healthier weight or to tone up our bodies, that number does not define who you are as a person. It may assist in helping us to evaluate if we are within a healthy weight range, but it does not make us a better or worse person for being 5 pounds underweight or 20 pounds overweight.

We are all a work in progress.

xxxx

Loyalty & Self-Esteem

Loyalty, trust, and self-esteem are intricately woven in relation to one another, often with elevations of one leading to a more fortified strengthening in another. If a girl is feeling self-conscious, they may begin to question the loyalty and trust of their partner as they begin that toxic thought-thread of not feeling worthy enough in their own eyes and conclude they are not sufficient in their SO's.

I, too, have fallen victim to this perverse sensation and c'est mauvais. While this can be inherently that person's issue, it becomes a true issue when those thoughts lead to toxic behavior which continues to negatively affect the relationship and infringe upon other's as words of unwarranted unkindness spew out venomously. I try to stay out of drama and away from such people of high toxicity and ugly hearts...

Simply being in proximity of others who are in this sick cycle may influence those who typically feel they can rise above such pettiness. It is not such a terrible act to cut ties with those who inflict such negative ideas and influences if it means being of healthier mind. It does not make one a bad person to look after themselves in order to take care of themselves and to ensure a healthier relationship with those who deserve such a healthy relationship and are removed from the drama of the influencers.

Love yourself, stay positive, and cut out the bad "fat."

xxxx

Motivation and Will

On this journey on which I've been embarking in order to return back to a healthier mindset and build the body confidence. Self-motivation when it comes to losing weight the "right" way aka starting healthy habits, exercising, and eating for fuel, not fasting for punishment....

Integrating new wardrobe pieces and clearing out the old things that either don't fit or don't make me feel good is a great way of metaphorically cleansing the mind as well.

This isn't the cliched New Year, New Me song and dance, of which I'm sure we know so well, but rather clothing myself in some new clothes mixed with the ol' faithful pieces - blending the old and new.

Shop Priceless has some great basics with a twist, such as their Eris tank with a halter accent. And totally took advantage of the big sale from American Eagle for some new black pants for work with a matching tan pair.

Putting in those long hours at work + homework on top of homework may seem like it leaves little time for sleep or fun, let alone the gym, but it's only made me better able to balance my schedule in order to make time to create those much needed endorphins at the end of a hard, sweaty session.

Kick Start may have become my alternative go-to pick-me-up when I don't have time to stop for a Monster....is caffeine addiction a real thing? If that's one of my few vices, then I'm not too bad off.

Long locks with a tailored pants & pumps: can't go wrong. R2 is giving his quiet approval beside my dust-framed visage.

Nine West seriously makes the best classic pointed-toe pumps! I found these navy beauts when I was still at the old apartment, thrifting at the local little shop. While the insides saw a little wear & tear, the outers still remain pristine and one of my favorite pair.

A new pair of trainers can help in motivating one to get their butt back to the gym. Happy feet want to move!! Took these puppies to Planet Fitness after a wildly active shift at work. Blazer for business appeal + trainers for mobility.

The will to get myself to PF still remains a struggle. Part of the fight is getting there with an internal struggle occurring while I fret in the parking lot, feeling embarrassed or unmotivated to take those few, cold steps into the facility.

Superman has helped with that struggle - I often find it much easier to get out right away if he's training me as I know he's going to kick my butt and help distract my anxiety of merely working out in front of people.

Seeing progress pictures helps to keep me going as well.  These photos were taken three years apart. I was embarrassed by so many of my photos after I came back from studying abroad as I was so heavy...I had reached my heaviest point when I came back: 144.5 pounds.

I was ashamed of how I looked and more importantly, how I felt. After spending three of the most life-changing months of my life abroad, I was overweight and rather depressed, forced to find that drive to get me back on track.

Fast-forward from Xmas 2013 to Xmas 2016: down 30lbs with a goal of losing another 10.

I find it incredible how 13lbs can make a difference as well. Summer 2014, when I was running at least 4-5x a week versus January 2017.

Plateaus happen. Sometimes we have to trick our minds into getting creative in order to dig our ways out of the ruts and build ourselves back up, focusing on our goals and on the happy side effects, such as that sweet euphoria after a good weightlifting or HIIT session.

xxxx

Introvert City

An ambivert is someone who displays both qualities of introverts and extroverts. At times, these individuals need that alone time in order to recuperate and recharge as an introvert does, severing themselves from the physical outside world while sometimes allowing the virtual world inside....in a sense.

Although ambiverts may exude both types of qualities, introverts may show extroverted qualities from times to times. Much like other labels, there are stereotypes or "myths," as they are referred to in this lovely article on introverts, which go beyond the characteristics which categorize someone under a particular label.

Perhaps it is due to introverted tendencies which account for my love of solo travel. While others will limit themselves to only doing something if they have a partner in crime, I feel quite capable of running amok on my own - not that I am downplaying the fun that can be had when one has a fellow traveler, not at all.

Alone time grants one the needed mental boost in order to deal with the outside world. Sadly, I've found there still remains a stigma of doing things alone. The article profiles this quite well and brings to mind two questions the author asks: why is it still seen as socially unacceptable to do things by yourself and why is it always presumed that people don't wan to do things alone?

However, introverts will make time for good friends and support them full-heartedly. So happy I got to see my friends in Paradrei and Small Town Titans take the stage! A rock-n-roll show warrants some RnR attire ;)

Friend time is just as important as that alone time...solid, quality social time is not a terrible thing and can be much needed for a different kind of recharge.

While being alone is a key differentiator of introverts, Loki is one presence I never get tired of having. When I've been around people for too long, he provides the perfect companionship without the pressure of having to talk or act in any way at all...

xxxx

Content and safe

At times, I feel all too bogged down by the mundane repetition of the daily work grind and school, having to remind myself of the greater picture of the end results...work is beginning to seem like a great rut with the same outlook on each day: same sh!t, different day. So many times, I have similar thoughts on a repeating loop on my brain. Everything is beginning to look the same to me: idiots with their idiocy as far as these eyes can see.

I'm slowly coming to the realization I'm becoming content with not living my life to the fullest, which, in itself, is a genuine nightmare. This, above nearly all, is one of my greatest fears: to waste my life not living it to its fullest, slaving away at work, merely putting in my hours as I make better use of my efforts to do well in school. While I do still care about what I do at my job, it's increasingly more difficult to not feel discontent as the rat race to catch up and be on alert 24/7 with minimal feeling of satisfaction or meaning...

Kitty snuggles amid the schoolwork and inconsistent work schedules make it all a little better - taking care of my peanut make these current feelings of stagnation a bit more better {and certainly more entertaining}.

He's keeping me motivated as I mix up my days with an increased effort towards working out...better habits to better myself and to help cope with the feelings of plateauing in life.

Purple hair, bold brows, and Bambi eyes. Ready to tackle this new year and work towards that greater picture and a more fulfilling life.

Loki is kind enough to help me look for my sanity when it seems as though insanity is kicking in from working odd hours and dealing with odd problems, day in and day out.

xxx

2k17 & auld lang syne

Quite a trip, 2016 has proved to be.

Thankful for a chance to relax and reflect upon the mayhem of the past year - oh, how quickly it has come and gone, taking with it extraordinary and brilliant people, robbing the world of innocent lives from malicious attacks and natural disasters, and instilling a great sense of unrest and insecurity with the new US President Elect.

However, 2016 has brought with it many joys as well. As we struggle to accept those things which we cannot change, we can celebrate personal accomplishments and not let the hatred of the world consume or change our hearts. {Plus, I'd rather remain non-political for the sake of sensitivity}

Took a last two days of the year to see friends and hold Loki bear close {despite his initial resistance, he loves snuggles}. 

Regardless of one's position of the world, we can all agree this is not always a bright, sunshine-y world in which we live. May 2017 prove a more loving, tolerant year. In the meantime, hold your loved ones close, as much as you can and don't be afraid, but remain steadfast and resilient among the chaos.

Part of growing up is having an inevitable revolving door through which many people will circle with the good ones choosing not to head back out. Grateful for being able to make memories with wondrous people. Boys and faux friends come and go, but friends {especially Katie} always have your back. As Bey would say: tell 'im {or 'em}: boy, bye.

Looking forward to a year of not only promoting love and acceptance, but of self-love and self-care - we have to learn to take care of ourselves in order to continue take care of those we love.

Working on my self-esteem one day at a time and this body-hugging wrap dress certainly helps with that. Intermittent fasting and pushing the envelope on my social anxiety in order to tackle the gym one sweaty session at a time - social anxiety does not have to define you nor detract from your goals.

At the end of the day, when the noise of daily life in the world is too much, love bugs such as Loki are there to share the burden of the accumulation of too much stimuli and strike a lovely look of disdain for the camera to emulate the necessary need for a cool-down and unwinding. {He could also be upset with the current Netflix binge....}

Looking forward to more snuggle sessions with my favorite bum and more side shade.

Happy New Year!

xxx

a blue xmas without you.

Christmas.

There always seems to be this great build-up to the holiday season, with a tendency of people forgetting everything in between Columbus Day and Christmas Eve {how rude to downplay Halloween every year!}. Stores begin stuffing their shelves with red and green around the same time they're hanging up various polyester blend costumes on the racks.

Loki was certainly not in the holiday spirit as we spent Xmas Eve Eve together attempting to make the apartment spotless for Mummy & Fajer. Not quite sure if he was just sick of me or having to pose for cute pictures to send to various people.

In an effort of being a better friend and get into more of the holiday cheerful spirit, I spent the greater part of the night with my dear friend Nicole, enjoying good beer, delicious food, and lovely tunes. Tree was playing at one of my former favorite haunts in E-town, Funk Brewing Company.

My holiday tradition of waking up on Xmas in Victoria Secret flannels was broken as I rang in holiday at work, covering two-3rd shifts Xmas Eve and Xmas night. Fairly slow nights, but gave me some more appreciation for those working in emergency positions for which there are no true holidays - sickness doesn't stop for presents or cheer.

Loki wasn't feeling the cheer and was against his bow, but was patient enough to pose for a picture with his bow on his wrist. He couldn't stand it on his collar.

Luckily, he was more than willing to take time out of his day to snuggle up close to me while I rested in between festivities and work. I'm guessing all the lovin' from my parents really tuckered my sweet fur baby out. While we didn't get the most sleep, they were quality cuddles.

Naturally, I had to document {more for myself than anything} that I was able to dress up a bit in between donning the UHS polo and khakis. Cleaned up fairly well with minimal sleep, no?

Santa deemed a was a good girl this year: beautiful Silpada earrings from Sissy & some bling bling from Superman. Feeling grateful I could spend the holiday with these two, as well as friends and family <3

2016 is coming to a close, but it was one of many blessings amid the trials and tribulations.

Loki poo got some snuggles in with his favorite auntie while I had to bite the dust and head to work for the night....Loki's first Xmas was a success!

More to come ;)

xxxx

Kitten mittens

As likely assumed, I care quite deeply for my sweet, sweet kitten. Amid all of the chaos and business and attempts at holding it together while trying to balance school, a full-time job, and a semi-part-time job, Loki dear always seemed to know just when I needed some extra snuggles while I was home. Whether that was from his own selfish kitty needs, or an animalistic predisposition of reading frantic vibes, I will never know, but I prefer to think it is because he just knows when someone is in need of lovin'.

I promise I'm not trying to convert anyone to being a designated "cat person," albeit this term is still rather harsh....why can't we just be "animal people," as a collective? Yes, indeed-iddly do I love kitty cats, but I'm quite enamored by puppies, rabbits, tortoises, ferrets, squirrels, rats, bearded dragons, geckos..a plethora of other animals. {except centipedes. NOPE NOPE. They can rot in the fiery pits of pest hell}

However, how can one negate how darn cute this snuggle muffin is? He makes it quite difficult to leave, especially as I'm already running short on sleep every night, much to my dismay because he's the best snuggler and I've always been a fan of sleep. {ask my mum - she has pictures of me sleeping in weird places because I would just get tired and call it a day....under the dining room table, under my bed, on the steps, in a laundry basket....}

Love bug has been patient with me as I frantically try to finish homework and projects with the end of my term winding down. He's been the best snuggle partner, the best type of distraction and comforter while I darn-near tore my hair out trying to make sense of these financial equations and formulas...sweet little guy embodies the simple things in life and keeps me grounded.

Saturday nights: while many are out partying, enjoying the festivities of the weekend, most nights I'm snuggled up with Loki, taking silly pictures with him, cheek to cheek. He's becoming accustomed to my antics and his model-status as a class-act model on my Instagram.

Loki and I tried using the Candid Catmera so I could have some cute pictures while I was at work, half-bored, half-crazed out of my mind with the exorbitant amount of year-end projects, but Loki Loke had other ideas. Apparently watching me yank clothes out of my closet in a rushed effort to get ready for work was more appealing than cooperating with the app for some cute pictures.

Waking up with this ball of snuggles has been the real treat of the better part of the year, getting to know his nuances and knowing we'll have one another's backs. Nearly 7 months since I brought my love bug home and my, my, my, what an interesting 7 months it has been.

Squishy face selfies to Mummy and friends are a must. Mummy wuvs her grandfurbaby as he's currently her only grandcreature. Maybe one day there will be little human babies floating around {my nieces & nephews, not my own devil's spawn} with Loki jumping all about amongst the wildlings, but for now, spoiled baby remains the only one between my sissy and I.

xxxx

December is sweater weather

With 2016 soon coming to a halt, as well as winter break from class slowly, but surely, nearing, I find myself yet again reflecting on how quickly time seems to escape us when we're too busy planning for the future. How easily we are befuddled by the next step in our journey, that we may misread signals or signs which may lessen the chaos of the busy times, or even misread our own body/mind's plea for a lifeline...

I have one week of school before break, trying to bargain with the ticking clock of how much time I have left to accomplish so much, all tghe while running on a tank low on genuine fuel, supplemented by copious amounts of the nectar of the caffeine gods aka Monster Zero.

Failed attempts at cleaning {as documented by my dirty mirror selfie above}, foregoing sleep in order to cover shift gaps, squeezing in homework in between naps and work, trying to find time for patient friends who deserve more recognition for their love and support than I can currently give, and making sure to give Loki the snuggles he needs is proving a bit overwhelming...

While everything may seem hunky-dory on the outside, whether that be via social media or how I appeared, near-collapsing at work, falling asleep standing up a few times, and having my legs give out during a short, standing conversation at home have been physical indicators warranting the help I have sought over the past week, as well as the unplanned PTO put in because I simply did not have the energy to put in my full 40 hours of work, much to the dismay of my boss.

In order to perform to our true potential, we have to remember to take care of ourselves first. Mentally and physically exhausted, I lost that and began to decline in my abilities, lack of sleep affecting my work output and the quality, as well as my memory... despite all of these strong signs, as mentioned previously, time and that ever-present need to perform, I've stubbornly chugged along, bringing about my own moments of defeat.

As my sister has lovingly told me on countless occasions, for all the book smarts in the world I may possess, common sense has not always been a strong point. Tonight I question that very notion as I'm fervently distracted by the doubt in my worth in another's eyes when I should have, all along, been steadfast in the strengthening of my own self-worth. When we begin to doubt one aspect of our lives, there is often a domino effect on other areas...

...and, as ever, when sh*t hits the fan, often it all hits at once before it gets better, as I've come to find out so I hold faith that this, too, shall pass.

Virtual interactions are currently providing a much pleasanter façade than the reality I'm living.

Looking forward to winter break and curling up with these two very relevant beauties:

The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One has the Time by Brigid Schulte

xxx

New hairs, news, & new gigs

Red hair dye is great and all...but my one gripe is that it fades all too quickly. After the {failed!} attempt at going blonde, my hair has had particular difficulties holding onto color, but I thought perhaps a nice purple-y hue would look nice?

I'm partial to my red color family, and found one with a supposed darker purplish base. The color was lovely, albeit....well....

My boss asked if it was supposed to be that....pink. I was diggin' it and, quite frankly, was just glad it wasn't the weird color going on, albeit it almost embodied that trendy rose gold color scheme that is so popular and I received several compliments for my accidental locks.

In other news....I have joined the Teen Hearts Modeling family...and loving this cozy long tee! Guess I can add that to the résumé?

Loki dear is continuing his campaign of mischief and snuggles. Mr. Loki was tickled pink on being spoiled from his grandfurmummy, who loaded me up with ham and turkey and goodies for this growing fur baby. She may not have met him yet, but is already smitten.

He's a cutie....and a terror. Goodness, I love him unconditionally, though, even when he wakes me up at 5AM for sh!ts and giggles.

Home all of an hour or so and he's already on the time-out shoulder.

When Loki was a kitten and would start acting up or getting into things he shouldn't {imagine that!}, I would throw him over my shoulder to calm him down while I got ready, one-handed. He's knows I love him but mean business when he's over the shoulder as so.

Fur baby had surgery to remove his front claws....I cried. While I don't believe in essentially handicapping kitties, my overly rambunctious kitten was destructive to many things and has since calmed down...

He received SO. MUCH. LOVE. and snuggles during recovery. We took many naps when I could spare the time before and after work. Snuggle bug was reassured he wasn't in trouble, but that it was for the better and more peaceful living. Little stinker can now have full reign of the apartment {aside from my sissy's room since she'd go into allergic shock if he was too deep into her business.....}

So....this picture...I caved. I chopped my long talons off.

Yeah, I purchased the iPhone 7. It's okay, but my nails are doing well now. The one painfully ripped off.

I'll be living off of eggs and ramen as I pay for phone, two trips coming up, and bills. wooooooo

Adulting.

Happy late turkey lurkey day!

xxx

Sass and Class

Sometimes, a girl needs to treat herself, particularly when life begins to get a little hairy {metaphorically speaking, of course}.

Shop Priceless had a great sale on some of its items, which, naturally, entailed a wee bit of indulgent spending on a few wardrobe-enhancing pieces. Their ribbed dresses are the bees' knees and I quite fell in love with the pointed, reflective-toe flats I had selected and a simple choker.

Taking myself out for a nice quiet lunch at one of my favorite restaurants for a late-birthday treat provided an excellent occasion to show off the hard work I had been putting into the gym, as well as aid in the enhancement of body confidence, an ever-going practice I have been forcing myself to continue.

Similar design: Sandy Basic Dress Set

I'm diggin' the olive green color, which stands out well against my vampire tan. I much prefer black, but a little bit of color won't hurt...I guess.

Mummy hooked me up with this lovely green cardi from Old Navy, as well as different styles in charcoal, black, and white - four new cardis = 4x happiness.

My love of cardigans still remains strong after many, many moons. Simple and cozy. Dressed up or down, one cannot go wrong no matter the season.

A little bit of sass is not inherently "wrong," especially when it is this particularly sassiness that is holding your sanity together while the chaos only intensifies with the increasing burdens which come along with going to school while working both a full-time and part-time position.

My little lunch with myself offered some loner loser time of self-reflection on my mere 24 {relatively short} years and how I want to shape the upcoming year{s} of life in order to be more positive and achieve the goals for which I have set for myself. I've also come to the epiphanous revelation that my level of sass has only increased/improved with age.

With time slipping away too quickly, long days at work often becoming more challenging knowing that I have a pile of projects due professionally and academically, sometimes it's that tongue-in-cheek attitude that can truly carry us through the day and be the stones upon which we depend to see us through the crumbling positive outlook.

xxxx