December is sweater weather

With 2016 soon coming to a halt, as well as winter break from class slowly, but surely, nearing, I find myself yet again reflecting on how quickly time seems to escape us when we're too busy planning for the future. How easily we are befuddled by the next step in our journey, that we may misread signals or signs which may lessen the chaos of the busy times, or even misread our own body/mind's plea for a lifeline...

I have one week of school before break, trying to bargain with the ticking clock of how much time I have left to accomplish so much, all tghe while running on a tank low on genuine fuel, supplemented by copious amounts of the nectar of the caffeine gods aka Monster Zero.

Failed attempts at cleaning {as documented by my dirty mirror selfie above}, foregoing sleep in order to cover shift gaps, squeezing in homework in between naps and work, trying to find time for patient friends who deserve more recognition for their love and support than I can currently give, and making sure to give Loki the snuggles he needs is proving a bit overwhelming...

While everything may seem hunky-dory on the outside, whether that be via social media or how I appeared, near-collapsing at work, falling asleep standing up a few times, and having my legs give out during a short, standing conversation at home have been physical indicators warranting the help I have sought over the past week, as well as the unplanned PTO put in because I simply did not have the energy to put in my full 40 hours of work, much to the dismay of my boss.

In order to perform to our true potential, we have to remember to take care of ourselves first. Mentally and physically exhausted, I lost that and began to decline in my abilities, lack of sleep affecting my work output and the quality, as well as my memory... despite all of these strong signs, as mentioned previously, time and that ever-present need to perform, I've stubbornly chugged along, bringing about my own moments of defeat.

As my sister has lovingly told me on countless occasions, for all the book smarts in the world I may possess, common sense has not always been a strong point. Tonight I question that very notion as I'm fervently distracted by the doubt in my worth in another's eyes when I should have, all along, been steadfast in the strengthening of my own self-worth. When we begin to doubt one aspect of our lives, there is often a domino effect on other areas...

...and, as ever, when sh*t hits the fan, often it all hits at once before it gets better, as I've come to find out so I hold faith that this, too, shall pass.

Virtual interactions are currently providing a much pleasanter façade than the reality I'm living.

Looking forward to winter break and curling up with these two very relevant beauties:

The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One has the Time by Brigid Schulte

xxx

Support Squad

Taking on the tribulations of the world alone is something not even Batman can do - he has the help of cheeky Alfred to keep him grounded and the Batmobile well maintained.

I'm thankful for the love and support of friends and family by my side who are there to celebrate the moments that need celebrated, grieve in times of mourning, offer a listening ear and wise words, and kick my a$$ when they suspect my path turning dark.

Mummy sent some goodies to feed my belly, Thank You notes for future interviews, goodies for Superman, and of course, it was all packed neatly into Loki and Athena's new jungle gym.

After being in a fog, mind befuddled by the effort of tryiing not to drown in the inept feelings I had of myself and the seemingly impossibly large bite of life I was attempting to chew and swallow, being challenged by a person in authority was potentially the shock I needed to shake me to my senses.

Depression hurts. Mentally, physically, emotionally. The one depressed is not the only one affected, but the ones surrounding the afflicted can be the catalysts of change, offering their kind hearts to help build the ladder out of the hole. Granted, it will take time, but it's time I'm willing to invest for happiness.

The BBL {Big Boss Lady} is back. For my fellow BBL's, enjoy a few laughs from this "advice" comic for women leadership then continue to do what you do best: kicking butt and paving the way for the next wave of women leaders.

While we can't remove all of the negativity from our lives, little changes will quickly add up. Looking at the bigger picture is opening my eyes again. I can do this.

• 8/18 - bought my last Monster and it's been in the fridge ever since
• 8/24 - back on the LoseIt! App to hold myself accountable
• Ordered my first regimen of Rodan + Fields unblemish

New hair always ensures a mood boost and this darker, Merlot-colored mop is signifying a new beginning for my psyche.

While I'm not completely depriving myself of the "bad" stuff, aka the finer things in life, everything in moderation is going to be a new mantra, something with which I've had issues before. Finding ways to enjoy yummy beer while regaining that happy little 6-pack I used to have and of which I have only been able to maintain about a 1/3...

Cheers to the little happies in the world and the small changes to continuous improvement {business terms applying themselves to life}. And here's to completing my first term of MBA courses! 10 courses to go!

And, as always, my sidekicks keep me company while I try to figure out the puzzle of life.

xxxx

Funktown

Two beautiful kittens, Loki and Athena, and Mr. Theo safe in the loving hands of my kitty whispurrrer Gramps...these snuggle bugs are what keep me going lately and also provide the snuggling distraction from life's more unpleasant aspects {or from doing homework for a few minutes}.

Tonight I completed my first MBA course, the Legal Environment of Business, which was a particularly fascinating class to me having enjoyed Business Law so much and find the legalities of business, both domestic and foreign, rather interesting. Despite this feeling of accomplishment, the excitement seemed to be diminished as my motivation continues to deteriorate.

School has provided a positive stressor as I strive to do my best, knowing the classes will be enjoyable and applicable, and that it's a major stepping stone in my career. With multiple job applications in the pot on the chance of a happier work environment, even if it comes with a smaller paycheck, I'm pushing myself to believe that it will work out, that I won't be stuck due to circumstances.

Trust me, if financially feasible, I'd love to drop it all after using up my PTO and simply disappear, traveling the US with Loki bear in my front seat and the majority of my stuff either sold or in storage. C'est la vie, non?

I want to find that inner wild child again...I have not seen that carefree, gung-ho girl in a while or she remains dormant for the majority of the time, only coming out on special occasions. I find I hardly know myself anymore and it makes me want to crawl deeper inside the cocoon of inner sanctuary I've begun to build up again to keep the bad {and some good, too} out.

With so many happy things going well in my life, it's still difficult to fully appreciate these beautiful moving parts as I should because I'm sucked down in the mud by my own inhibitions and worrisome thoughts. Depression often does not allow one to put things into perspective as the average cognitive mind may...instead, the depressed are all too acute to the surroundings and negative cues of what is going and may go wrong.

However, while depression may come in phases, more prominent in certain moments and weakened demons depending on who is around, it is not something that cannot be overcome again and again. On that same token, the taboo of depression is not so readily discussed nor understood.

The will to happiness can be a strong one.

As Albus Dumbledore {J.K. Rowling, mind you} said:

Happiness can be found, if only it remembers to turn on the light.

xxx 

Academia, furries, and black holes

Looking at little Theo, it's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 weeks since the little velociraptor first hissed at me....and now likes to be my best bud, still a little apprehensive of others, but a changed kitten since our first encounter.

The little cuppy-cake is fitting in quite well with this little chocolate muffin - they're taken quite a liking to one another and I'm just hoping when the time comes to give him up for a good home, the parting won't be too difficult, albeit Theo has already stolen my heart.

Even more so than traveling, I believe I have found my calling: giving love and care to sweet kitties and giving them a second chance like Theo. He's certainly a sweet little fur baby who needed special attention to bring out his lovable side.

Loki remains the baby of the group with his jealous tendencies and need for "Mumma time." This little boo was giving some lovey before I went off to start my first class of the first term of this MBA program, the Legal Environment of Business. Ironically enough, Internet Marketing is an online course {which was great, considering I'm just getting back into the swing of things with school}.

Class is going well - 2 weeks in and I'm staying on top of my assignments much better than I thought I would while juggling a job that often demands 50hrs/week in order to meet the needs of our customer aka have enough people on the shift who know the job and know it well in order to accomplish everything needed to be done.

In lieu of the enjoyment I'm having being a student again {oh, how I've missed being in the classroom!!} and receiving so much kitten love and snuggles, too frequently I've found myself ambling along the path of helplessness and feeling lost. Loosely planning a trip for my birthday in October seems to significantly boost my mood, but only temporarily as I look ahead at the possibility of still being in a position in which I dread even going to work.

Depression is not a light matter and should not be taken as such.

I feel as though I'm stuck in this career rut, yet perhaps many others my age feel the same way after accepting a job that offered decent pay for what they thought would be a way to earn experience to post on paper in the hopes of eventually reaching the end goal of a fulfilling and satisfying career path.

Feelings of stagnation are ever present, looming like a dark cloud as I lose hope in the chances I'll stumble upon another great opportunity {for this one was great, merely not what I wanted to do}. Knowing that I dread my job and the various tasks associated with it has only drained my psyche and that drive sometimes feels all but shriveled up inside....

Where is that girl with fire? ...passion? ...a sense of pride in what she does?

I'm slowly dying inside with every wasted minute - wasted in the sense that I am not enthusiastic nor believe in what I am doing anymore. Career stagnation and feeling the strain of the sacrifices made for a job I've slowly begun to refer to as "hell" are only continuing to mentally and psychologically drain me...

Perhaps there is an end is sight with recent job application submissions... For now, I'll be rotting toiling my life away, making feverish attempts at staying afloat in the drowning of swirling thoughts and emotions, constantly reminding myself there is an end in sight.

xxxx

Happy Celebrations

On Sunday, my bestie walked down her first of two upcoming aisles to graduate with not just one, but two degrees - her undergraduate and graduate. So happy and proud I could be there to watch her achieve one of her many goals!

May 8, 2016
University Park

 The past two weekends were filled with half work, half play & excitement. With graduation over, the following weekend I was able to spend some more time with the bride-to-be at her bachelorette party before driving off again from home to wedding #2 of the season.

Conner & Sam were high school sweethearts and I had the pleasure of meeting them during my freshmen year of college.

May 14, 2016
Vineyards at Grandview, Mt Joy

A mini LVC reunion of lovely friends on this joyous occasion ^_^

The rain didn't put a damper on events {albeit it may take me a while to clean the mud off of my heels} - a rainbow appeared and hopefully it'll bring much happiness and luck on their new chapter together!

Best man, and one of my lovely friends, Nick serenaded the couple for their first dance..

A bit of personal celebration: I'll be going back for my MBA starting this summer! Feeling inspired by my bestie & her perseverance and will finally be taking the plunge back into school to better myself and see what doors may open up as a result.

Nerd alert: going to be a student again! Oh, and going to be taking advantage of the student discounts once again, duh.

Oddly enough, I don't look all that different from when I had my ID photo taken 5 years ago *awkward*

xxxx