December is sweater weather

With 2016 soon coming to a halt, as well as winter break from class slowly, but surely, nearing, I find myself yet again reflecting on how quickly time seems to escape us when we're too busy planning for the future. How easily we are befuddled by the next step in our journey, that we may misread signals or signs which may lessen the chaos of the busy times, or even misread our own body/mind's plea for a lifeline...

I have one week of school before break, trying to bargain with the ticking clock of how much time I have left to accomplish so much, all tghe while running on a tank low on genuine fuel, supplemented by copious amounts of the nectar of the caffeine gods aka Monster Zero.

Failed attempts at cleaning {as documented by my dirty mirror selfie above}, foregoing sleep in order to cover shift gaps, squeezing in homework in between naps and work, trying to find time for patient friends who deserve more recognition for their love and support than I can currently give, and making sure to give Loki the snuggles he needs is proving a bit overwhelming...

While everything may seem hunky-dory on the outside, whether that be via social media or how I appeared, near-collapsing at work, falling asleep standing up a few times, and having my legs give out during a short, standing conversation at home have been physical indicators warranting the help I have sought over the past week, as well as the unplanned PTO put in because I simply did not have the energy to put in my full 40 hours of work, much to the dismay of my boss.

In order to perform to our true potential, we have to remember to take care of ourselves first. Mentally and physically exhausted, I lost that and began to decline in my abilities, lack of sleep affecting my work output and the quality, as well as my memory... despite all of these strong signs, as mentioned previously, time and that ever-present need to perform, I've stubbornly chugged along, bringing about my own moments of defeat.

As my sister has lovingly told me on countless occasions, for all the book smarts in the world I may possess, common sense has not always been a strong point. Tonight I question that very notion as I'm fervently distracted by the doubt in my worth in another's eyes when I should have, all along, been steadfast in the strengthening of my own self-worth. When we begin to doubt one aspect of our lives, there is often a domino effect on other areas...

...and, as ever, when sh*t hits the fan, often it all hits at once before it gets better, as I've come to find out so I hold faith that this, too, shall pass.

Virtual interactions are currently providing a much pleasanter façade than the reality I'm living.

Looking forward to winter break and curling up with these two very relevant beauties:

The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday
Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One has the Time by Brigid Schulte

xxx

What's Wrong with Being Confident?

...naturally, Demi's voice started ringing through my head wie ein Ohrworm like an ear worm.




A business trip to company headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota for leadership training and development led to some serious reflections and realizations.

I felt increasingly more aware of just how much stuff I knew, especially when placed in a culminating group of adults who have been leaders with many years under their belts, some with resumes boasting of managerial experience longer than my personal timeline.

Feeling good in your skin
definitely makes a difference.

I love that little epiphany when you come to realize just how much you know when a presenter asks a question and all around there are blank stares and you solely have the answer, or a suggestion for an issue another account is having based on your relatively short amount of experience.

It's a bit scary and also empowering.

In leading others, it's not just about the confidence in yourself, but exuding that in order to convince others of your competency. The obstacles faced on a day-to-day basis build character and instill that confidence while increasing your knowledge-base, which, in turn, only reassures belief in yourself.

In between all of the training, there was plenty of time for some fun in the Twin Cities.

First stop was Mall of America.

Dave & Buster's provided a great time to get to know leaders from other accounts across the country and let loose the inner child in all of us!

I couldn't stay away....two evening visits to the second largest mall in the United States! And yes, I definitely rode one of the roller coasters while I had the chance!

A little retail therapy doesn't hurt ;)

An interesting week, well worth the long hours of travel. Many connections made, as well as beautiful sights seen and I sure learned quite a bit.

The best part? Having Superman waiting for me at the airport.

xxxx

On Sanity {and attempts at keeping it}

As mentioned in the previous post, work has proven to be a test on my sanity, often making me feel crazy....like I'm not doing enough yet also feeling overwhelmed with biting off more than I can swallow all in the vain attempt to prove myself worthy of more and more responsibility in the hopes of a potential promotion in the future, to climb the ranks, to show I'm not a silly 23yo girl with a fancy piece of educationally-produced paper, but someone who's ready to take on the world and its problems.

Yet, while I've learned a lot in the past 10 months, 6 days of being in this position, I'm beginning to feel there may be no light at the end of the tunnel, no way of reaching the next rung on the corporate ladder, stuck in limbo of going above and beyond my job description while others toil away with their incompetency.

When work begins to creep into the innermost crevices of one's personal life, perhaps a reevaluation is in order as far as priorities and life goals/desires go... With these consistent mood swings and feeling of dread of going into work, often resulting in a sickening, dizzy headache are signs that this whole work/life balance is entirely out of wack. Monday was the most recent episode: what was to be a brief visit with Superman for a mood-lifting pep talk resulted in increased dread and lightheadedness as the time for work crept closer, causing me to call in that I'll be late so I could mentally calm down and make the world stop spinning, a physical reaction on my vision as my internal stability feels so fragile at times.

While life is full of sacrifices, events are missed because life calls and responsibilities must be fulfilled, but when this is a constant, encroaching phenomenon which takes me away from friends and family, there is an issue. There are events coming up which I refuse to miss: my besties' weddings in April & May, another friend's wedding in May, Heidi's graduation, and a few others dotted here and there...

Time with friends is needed to maintain those wondrous relationships and for a battery recharge.

The one and only Nickove, as photographed for unTappd

Got away for an evening and saw my lovely friend Nickove a few weeks ago {my sense of time is completely off anymore} and it was a pretty darn good night full of live music and old buds from college. On nights like those, all work thoughts go out the window as I enjoy the company of others and catch up on the exciting things in their lives - that's how relationships operate: sharing our treasured moments with the great people in our lives and taking time to get together in order to have shared memories to further enrich our lives.

I feel work is taking that away from me....a sense of livelihood and purpose outside of the walls of that hospital basement. Lunch with Superman certainly grants a getaway from the same-old, same-old as well as provides an outlet for my steam as he patiently listens and offers the superhero wisdom he possesses...

Yesterday, the better part of my afternoon was spent in Lancaster, gallivanting about the city in search of good brews and snacks at some new {to me} venues. Finding time to explore, even if it's in an area not too far away from me helps to relieve my wanderlust blues so I don't feel so trapped in this mental prison I've too often found myself locked inside in regards to work.

My anger spiked from incoming emails of scheduling issues which can easily be managed - if managed right - but were sent to me like I can magically fix them, as though it is my duty to placate everyone when they're forced to step up to the plate, their shortcomings slowly coming to light as they are incapable of filling in when and where needed... I speak truths not to sound uppity, but to put words to the swirling mists in my mind, questioning why grown men twice my age cannot see the greater picture or look beyond their plights when there are greater staffing issues on other days - certain people cannot be the ones to fix all of the gaps nor should their be varying expectations when it comes to management...questioning is it really worth the anger and bitterness accumulating in my soul?

A beautiful walk in the city following the silencing of my work cell, speaking with Superman of how beautiful my mini adventure was turning out to be most definitely calmed me down so I could continue on in my exploration... Hit spots included {which, of course, I'll be reviewing on Trip Advisor}:

• The Character Pub
• The Fridge
• Tellus360

After another explosion riveted with expletives and exasperation over the phone with Superman, last night I had my work phone shoved in a corner of my living room while I went off to enjoy some brews with my Big Bro as we waited for Tree to catch up with us. {Shameless plug for Funk Brewing in E-town}

As Big Bro pointed out, it's certainly okay that I talk to friends about my work frustrations, but it shouldn't get to the point where I have to do so in order to avoid such outbursts of anguish... the fact that it is infringing upon my happiness in my personal life is clear indication this may simply not be the job for me and that's okay, too. There are other places of employment and perusing until I find a job in which I can use my talents and also enjoy {as well as leave at the office or take home sparingly} seems to be my next step in the next several months...

Life's too short to go raving mad, albeit we're all a bit mad around here...we'll see how crazy I'm willing to be in the hunt for professional satisfaction.

xxx

Where my feet take me

Throughout my travels, my tootsies have carried me over and under some fairly fabulous places, with many more adventures in the works for the future.

Your legs and feet are capable of taking one to the ends of the earth - and the little crevices in between - as highlight in Home Sweet Anywhere, a good read and I highly recommend for anyone who likes to travel physically or metaphysically {through the imagination}. This duo proves age is no boundary; all it takes is careful planning and a thirst for adventure.

Having been abroad, I've come to realize the necessity of a car {or for truly awesome & kind friends & family who have one} in order to get around in this vast country... Sure, we have the Amtrak station and Greyhound, but public transportation is not nearly what it is in, say, Great Britain or Germany.

Simply getting to and work is a hike, as I've soon found out after being without a set of wheels since {gasp!} December 17th, when my dear C3 took a turn for the worst and currently awaits surgery....Thank goodness for wonderful friends & family for generously hauling my azz to and from work

However, this has forced me to get creative and to stay home more, as well as tack on a few more miles on my shoes walking to the grocery store {what's 2 miles there & back?} and to the movie theater. This allowed for provoking ideas to cascade in my brain....in Kingston, it was easily a mile's walk from my flat to Sainsbury and I happily made that walk, yet here, it's much more convenient for one to hop into the car and drive that mile or so down the road, which has me questioning: when did I become so dang lazy??

Weather permitting, I may make that walk to the grocery store mandatory if I find myself running out of eggs or a sale on avocados beckons me....

Walking-walking-walking has made me more aware of my surroundings and of this beautiful little town in which I reside, seeking out new digs and gems hidden in plain sight...as well as the realization that people are idiots and enjoy beeping for no apparent reason.

Upside: exercise, yay!

Downside: tired tootsides, especially as I'm racking up several miles per shift at work.

....which calls for sweats and a self-administered foot massage >ouch<

Antisocialism at its finest

"The ever-creasing weight of responsibilities that enmeshes our lives keeps us locked into the system. We become the pulse that keeps the beast alive, but the cost is our own lives. The natural world around us shrinks, crushed beneath the suffocating might of work."
-Fennel Hudson

Finding time to be social and physically interacting with friends is mandated and dictated by our very own sanity, for only then can we truly be free from work....a valid excuse to unplug from the demands associated with our careers. While we owe it to ourselves to set away for a fresh recharge, it is all too often that we don't feel as though it is justified unless people about whom we care deeply are involved, i.e. friends and family.

Thank goodness for understanding managers who realize the importance of unplugging and postponing non-urgent items for days actually spent in the office. I'm realizing more and more how involved a management position is, and potential future business endeavors may be, and it's quite unnerving in a sense because I want to work to live, not live to work.

Comfy pants for long hours: check.

Realization of this weekend: I hardly did anything but sleep and work, and work some more, and nearly wore myself out into a puddle of exhaustion on the floor. With books piling up, unread, expeditions left untravelled {is that a word??}, albeit making plans for my days off certainly helped get me through. C'est la vie, la vie de travailler, non?

Although a bit of a loner introvert with some extroverted qualities {when necessary *shudder*} who is prone to social anxiety and the occasional fainting spell, getting out of the apartment for little bouts {in between work, sleep, working at home, and travels} has been a great means of refuel.

One of many items cast aside in the donation piles...

Many hours were spent with my sis, packing and moving all of her shit her belongings to her new digs. Since college, I've attempted a more minimalist approach to things so seeing how much we had to pack out of that small bedroom was rather jaw-dropping, but also cleansing as we also hauled away bag after bag of garbage, recycling, donations, and items for selling.

Hours spent purging her room and rekindling the relationship with one of my favorite people to roam this planet...

A whole night with friends, pizza, beer, and board games reminded me just how secluded I've become, using my work schedule as an excuse for my unavailability {to some extent, this does hinder}. It's all in how we choose to allot our time that dictates the work/life balance... holy cow, revelation.

As the weeks fly by and I have the occasional nightmare of something catastrophic occurring to someone I love {screw you, scaredy-cat brain}, realizing how all too often I've simply let work take over or wasted my free time doing not much of anything but wait for life to occur.

We have just as many hours as Beyoncé so we should use them wisely. Mental note to self.

Speaking of efficient time usage....it's already past 11 o'clock and I have only left bed to insert contacts and make a semi-healthy pb banana smoothie for brekkie...work lunch meeting @12:30. Nbd.

Okay, maybe I'm wrong....maybe being antisocial and staying in bed all day is the life after all. Warmth, Mr. Hippy, books, and phone charger within reach...bed is hard to leave sometimes.

xxxxx

Jersey - not for the faint of heart

New Jersey survivor.

I survived nearly a week in Jersey.

Recovering from a business trip which took me into Jersey....shortly before the Pope's historical arrival in the Big Apple aka the cause of traffic mayhem and pandemonium.

We're all a little mad around here.

All in all, good trip. I spent my time in Paramus and had to very quickly learn to adapt to the erratic Jersey driving methods and awkward turns and loops. It's perfectly normal to have to start in the opposite direction for a few miles before taking a loop to do a 180 back in the direction you were intending on going... a 2.8 mile trip took 10-minutes and that was in fast-flowing traffic.

That special white powder.

Add Jersey-driving to my skillz on my résumé.

It was time well-spent away from the office, though. I had the opportunity to visit a new hospital with a different layout than our account and pick the brains of a few new acquaintances.

Dinner for one, s'il vous plaît.

A little shopping and dining for my first night.

Shake Shack - yum. I'm typically quite picky about my burgers, but this was one heck of meal! Peanut butter shake for the win.

Loner loser ate in her room while she watched Interstellar and worked on some work reports.

The Suburban Diner offered excellent service - total wait time for food: 10 minutes from order to arrival in front of my hungry, utensil-armed face.

The Tuscan wrap and sweet potato fries tasted insanely delicious after a long day. The macaroon was much larger than anticipated {I was thinking more along the lines of the small French pastries} but so.dang.good.

I kept the rest for brekkie the next morning.

All in all, good trip. Looking forward to more adventures ^_^

Truth be told, I was quite sad to go...our business group made such a great team for the task assigned and they made wonderful company for the long hours we spent together!

Here's to many more happy days and getting back into the swing of operations at the Med Center.

When Business and Pleasure Convene

I recently had the pleasure and opportunity to travel for work - yes, my first official business trip. Little Jillian inside me was rather giddy with excitement and the badass boss bitch persona I take on to conquer the day was thrilled at the chance for training and to prove myself amongst the higher-ups during a conference call delegated to me by my manager.

Rocking the new Westeros map dress

Perhaps it had to due with my strong desire to travel {even to Philly area, which isn't all that far away} for work mixed with the hype of career-boosting training/tasks {it also didn't hurt that we started off the day with IHOP pancakes}, but I felt, overall, the trip was quite eventful and smashing except for one thing...


Traffic. Screw you, traffic. Next time, I'll be wise and take the Turnpike.

Little rant over.

In all honesty, adventures are fun, but I much prefer public transportation. Hello, 4-hr train rides!

Report-writing @2AM - it's like I never left school!

With training all said and done, a kick-ass report given to boot, I'd say it was quite a successful day. In reflecting from day one, the realization light switch has noticeably gone off - I'm confident in my ability and I finally feel that I know what I'm doing and talking about. That, my friends, is a wonderful feeling indeed.

My dreams are to travel for work and this may be the start...as long as there are no more 4-hr drives for 2-hr routes in my immediate future. I'm not sure how well me arse can take that again.

Sadness is worse when...

....you know the root of the cause.

....you're perfectly content with all but this one integral part of your life.

....you don't know how to rectify it.

....you're scared it will never be fixed.

But a nice new pair of shoes can fix this, mais non?

Thank you, Shop Priceless for the free gift with purchase!!

I've been looking for this style of shoes since i was in the beautiful and fashion-forward city of London! $35 is a LOT better than $150!

Monday blues are cast aside momentarily when there is much work to be done and a killer outfit in which to accomplish this.

Lingering fragments of the depression I've been dealing with for quite some time crop up from time to time when I have a chance to collect my thoughts and just think.

Being busy at work allows me to focus my energy in a positive way, leaving just enough free time to think happy thoughts and of the wonderful people, opportunities, and future events, and sparing the barest minimum to dwell on the self-doubt or other demons inside...

But then the flood gate is released, much like a kragen, to flood my mind with those self-depreciating thoughts which nit-pick at my shortcomings and fears.

Hurray for friends who keep me grounded and snuggles with Mr. Hippy and Harry the Cat.

Hurray for this owl!

Try to tickle me, though, and it will end with disappointment as I am not ticklish in the least.

But I will tickle back if someone attempts.

Mwahahahaha

Party of 1 in Loserville

One seems to be the typical number of heads in the parties I attend anymore. By party, I mean dancing in my dreams as I attempt to catch up on much needed sleep in order to combat this sleep deprived body fueled by Monster and Rockstar.

I comfort myself into thinking they're not all that bad as they are sugar-free, but it's only a matter of time before my body catches on and refuses to accept this substitute for a full night's amount of rest.

Tree leaves in only a few short days before he embarks on a journey with his band to magical faerylands [I don't like the modernized "fairy" spelling]. For more details on the talented hotties, visit here, here, or here. In all honesty, the band is leaving soon and as ecstatic I am for them and as wonderfully life-altering this band tour may prove to be, I'm still going to be a supportive yet slightly saddened...

On the plus side, I'm likely to be accumulating significant overtime so perfect timing! Win-win: keeping busy, making money whilst doing so, and keeping my mind preoccupied whilst the Tree is wooing crowds and shaking his beautiful rump on various stages around the East Coast.

I've been a lame-o in the sense that I've hardly traveled and June is nearly depleted, but I have a few trips up my sleeve, just you wait. Oh! and I've spent some quality time with kittens too cute for their own good...

Sleep, snuggles, work, and reading. How I spend my days anymore.

Jax being a perfect little cuddly tease.

Max making my maladies feel alllll better with tummy rubs.

Jax: at least I look good for this selfie.