Thursday, March 31, 2016

Expectations & Desires

Life-planning currently in the works - with the lovely background "noise" of Hedley, Halsey, and Sia's latest albums and a brown bottle of Sam Adams's Noble Pils in hand.

With a medley of weddings coming up in the early part of spring/summer, that leaves not much time for travels, but PTO is begging to be spent as it accumulates in the virtual PTO bank, prompting me to start scheming planning a much-needed trip out of this death trap of sanity the same-old, same-old work grind.

A positive aspect of working at my current place of employment has definitely been the connection to my mentor - she's been a great help in my development as a manager and gaining confidence in leadership because, let's face, a lot of jumping into the business world {as far removed as I often feel...} is thinking on your feet and winging it until you make it.

Today proved a particularly enlightening conversation, albeit it only lasted approximately 26.5 minutes - a lot of ground covered in those few minutes from recruitment to employee retention to standing up for myself and not getting lost in the wilderness of operations management. She's right - being able to stand up, and needing to, say "no" sometimes is important, especially after constant shifts lasting anywhere from 13-18.5 {my new record, set last Friday into Saturday}. Crying from the burden of always needing to fill in and feeling I can't perform my own job is a commonality Jenn and I share - something in which she divulged today. It does not make us weak women for needing a moment to release all of the pent-up frustration, but a blaring red sign change is needed and that we can't always be Superwoman.

Starting out in new careers, we're expected to put our best foot forward, and why not? That's how you prove yourself that you're a cut above the rest and can handle more responsibility, that you have the drive and ambition to climb the corporate ladder - the American dream, per se. Yet, at what point do we forsake living for these career aspirations? When does the line begin to blur to the point where a job for which we no longer have passion and are only continuing for the experience begins to infiltrate our personal life and affect others around us?

And this is where not just my career turnaround comes into play, but the life-changer plan. With undergrad loans nearly paid off, it's time to start thinking about grad school and taking time to enjoy life - I'm too young to waste it in a position I don't love when there are other opportunities within and outside of the company. Starting with: social media marketing certification and SQL analysis, a revamp of my résumé, as well as a few trips with Superman to see more of this big, beautiful world.

The expectation is to work, nose to the grindstone, until we retire or die...but no, I want a job I love {or at least can tolerate all of the time, enjoying it most of the time}, a cat, more ink, and to see what this world has to offer - so much ground to cover today, but today's revelation and last night's yeast-fueled{beer} mental cog-turning brainstorm has me up-and-at-'em with positive vibes, ready to take on the world.

I'm nearly me again and realizing my potential. Coming back with guns blazing {metaphorically, of course}. I foresee happiness in my future and I'm ready to fight the candidate pools to show 'em what I'm worth.

A bit of light reading {said in my head in Hermione Granger's voice, no less}. Definitely worth a read, especially if you work with the public - you're not the only one dealing with idiots...they're everywhere.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

On Sanity {and attempts at keeping it}

As mentioned in the previous post, work has proven to be a test on my sanity, often making me feel I'm not doing enough yet also feeling overwhelmed with biting off more than I can swallow all in the vain attempt to prove myself worthy of more and more responsibility in the hopes of a potential promotion in the future, to climb the ranks, to show I'm not a silly 23yo girl with a fancy piece of educationally-produced paper, but someone who's ready to take on the world and its problems.

Yet, while I've learned a lot in the past 10 months, 6 days of being in this position, I'm beginning to feel there may be no light at the end of the tunnel, no way of reaching the next rung on the corporate ladder, stuck in limbo of going above and beyond my job description while others toil away with their incompetency.

When work begins to creep into the innermost crevices of one's personal life, perhaps a reevaluation is in order as far as priorities and life goals/desires go... With these consistent mood swings and feeling of dread of going into work, often resulting in a sickening, dizzy headache are signs that this whole work/life balance is entirely out of wack. Monday was the most recent episode: what was to be a brief visit with Superman for a mood-lifting pep talk resulted in increased dread and lightheadedness as the time for work crept closer, causing me to call in that I'll be late so I could mentally calm down and make the world stop spinning, a physical reaction on my vision as my internal stability feels so fragile at times.

While life is full of sacrifices, events are missed because life calls and responsibilities must be fulfilled, but when this is a constant, encroaching phenomenon which takes me away from friends and family, there is an issue. There are events coming up which I refuse to miss: my besties' weddings in April & May, another friend's wedding in May, Heidi's graduation, and a few others dotted here and there...

Time with friends is needed to maintain those wondrous relationships and for a battery recharge.

The one and only Nickove, as photographed for unTappd

Got away for an evening and saw my lovely friend Nickove a few weeks ago {my sense of time is completely off anymore} and it was a pretty darn good night full of live music and old buds from college. On nights like those, all work thoughts go out the window as I enjoy the company of others and catch up on the exciting things in their lives - that's how relationships operate: sharing our treasured moments with the great people in our lives and taking time to get together in order to have shared memories to further enrich our lives.

I feel work is taking that away from me....a sense of livelihood and purpose outside of the walls of that hospital basement. Lunch with Superman certainly grants a getaway from the same-old, same-old as well as provides an outlet for my steam as he patiently listens and offers the superhero wisdom he possesses...

Yesterday, the better part of my afternoon was spent in Lancaster, gallivanting about the city in search of good brews and snacks at some new {to me} venues. Finding time to explore, even if it's in an area not too far away from me helps to relieve my wanderlust blues so I don't feel so trapped in this mental prison I've too often found myself locked inside in regards to work.

My anger spiked from incoming emails of scheduling issues which can easily be managed - if managed right - but were sent to me like I can magically fix them, as though it is my duty to placate everyone when they're forced to step up to the plate, their shortcomings slowly coming to light as they are incapable of filling in when and where needed... I speak truths not to sound uppity, but to put words to the swirling mists in my mind, questioning why grown men twice my age cannot see the greater picture or look beyond their plights when there are greater staffing issues on other days - certain people cannot be the ones to fix all of the gaps nor should their be varying expectations when it comes to management...questioning is it really worth the anger and bitterness accumulating in my soul?

A beautiful walk in the city following the silencing of my work cell, speaking with Superman of how beautiful my mini adventure was turning out to be most definitely calmed me down so I could continue on in my exploration... Hit spots included {which, of course, I'll be reviewing on Trip Advisor}:

After another explosion riveted with expletives and exasperation over the phone with Superman, last night I had my work phone shoved in a corner of my living room while I went off to enjoy some brews with my Big Bro as we waited for Tree to catch up with us. {Shameless plug for Funk Brewing in E-town}

As Big Bro pointed out, it's certainly okay that I talk to friends about my work frustrations, but it shouldn't get to the point where I have to do so in order to avoid such outbursts of anguish... the fact that it is infringing upon my happiness in my personal life is clear indication this may simply not be the job for me and that's okay, too. There are other places of employment and perusing until I find a job in which I can use my talents and also enjoy {as well as leave at the office or take home sparingly} seems to be my next step in the next several months...

Life's too short to go raving mad, albeit we're all a bit mad around here...we'll see how crazy I'm willing to be in the hunt for professional satisfaction.


Sunday, March 20, 2016

Running to get away

Metaphorically {and sometimes physically}

I'm fairly certain many people have that love/hate relationship with working out {okay, there are a plethora of people who love it, as I love bed...} but sometimes, taking to the pavement can provide that little escape needed, relinquishing focus from the "real world" to pushing through the onset of fatigue. Feelings can be funneled into energy, transferring anger or sadness into the fuel to push through another block...

For others, it's for a sense of accomplishment, those feel-good vibes from achieving a PR or getting through a particularly rough run. While I know I'm a slowpoke, I still {semi} enjoy lacing up my shoes and getting lost in a earful of Eminem and whatever other rapper who floods my headphones via the Rap Strength Training Radio station on Pandora.

The past weekend, my uncle went to run his 9th marathon - 9th! - at Virginia Beach. For him, I think running was a bit of a getaway at first and now, it's pretty dang impression what he's done.

It was pretty dang cold with 30mph winds and temps down in the 40s, but he persevered and finished with the other runners.

I think during my runs, a mental getaway from work & life....I used to run to try to run away from problems, knowing full well that they'll all be waiting for me to return from the road, but now it offers some clarity, a place to put pent-up energy before I lose my goddamn mind from the insanity that works has proven to be, as well as when I'm upset about silly insecurities or personal relationships. But, alas, we all must learn the age-old wisdom that we can't truly run away from our problems - the past and present still follows us around like an ambivalent shroud, a culmination of good & bad by design, as life often is.

Hmm perhaps I shall get back into the "good" habit of regular runs to reap the rewards of the endorphins and noticeably tauter's a much better solution to anxiety and feeling powerless in overwhelming feelings of doubt, uncertainty, etc. Sure, some do it for the fitness, I get it, but to be honest, those effects are only great side effects for me, not true motivators - I know myself all too well to try to fool myself into thinking otherwise.

Here's to seemingly futile attempts at retaining my sanity in the sanctity of running wild {figuratively and literally}.


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Looking the part

Happy Ides of March! With the superstitious vibes associated with this day following the assassination of Julius Caesar, as well as the continuation of the disgusting display of campaigning of what social media has dubbed a strong semblance to Hitler....we'll leave it at that and let your imagination run rabid.

Moving on... ^_^

When shit hits the fan, you have to dress to impress {yourself}.

I know I've noticed that if I put a little effort into my attire, I feel more put together and ready to tackle on the world and the worst of the worst at work, especially when going in knowing that I'll be in there a good 12-16hrs.

Tulle & stripes are nice. It's the little things, eh?

And of course, I caved. I'll admit it. I bought a stupid ridiculous confusing selfie stick for outfit pics....needless to say, I failed at my first attempt at utilization. Never the less, I still tried...and there's always my full-length mirror, a $5 snag from Dollar General {woot!}.

I know it seems like I wear this grey striped jumper from the Dublin Penney's {Primark} all too often, and maybe I do have an odd habit of wearing new things a million bazillion times before they're allowed a rest in my closet...I've noticed my IG has quite a few pics with me in this and yes, I have worn it many a times, but I promise I rotate and wash it in-between!

I seriously love this skirt from Shop Priceless - perfect length and can take the typical business attire from drab to You get the idea.

For the annual birthday brunch for Mummy and Nana, I rocked the jeggings with a new mint green tank and my ol' faithful pink pinstripe blazer. Reminiscing about my first few months of blogging and featuring this gem. Going to hold onto this one...

"After all these years?"

....see what I did there, Potterheads?

To keep my sanity in check, I treated myself to a simple LBD from Target and made my way to a gig in Lancaster for a lovely little LVC-grad reunion and special acoustic performances by friends and new faces. Feeling preeeeetty fly, I must say. Black clothing has that effect on me...tranquil and looks polished and put together.

The little things in life, such as a favorite, now-seldom-worn, pair of heels on off-hours can sometimes be what brings us back up from the low points in a week.

A glass of Citrus IPA from Funk Brewing, snuggled up in a cozy button-up, certainly helps in bringing up morale at the end of the night, too...


Saturday, March 12, 2016


I've posted on wanderlust before, a bittersweet mentality which causes euphoria and excitement during travels, yet anxiety when the same-old, same-old routine has spun 'round far too many times without a change of circulation...

Albeit bed is one of my favorite places in the world, with a beer in hand, no less...{case in point depicted in IG post below}

...traveling remains one of my favorite activities - I can't truly call it a hobby as it's a way of life....traveling, exploring, leaving no rock unturned, so to speak...

As Superman just returned from his trip to the Bahamas, I could not help but reflect on what I have recently coined the "wander-dumps," the opposite of wanderlust after a rude awakening and return to reality after a grand adventure.

After London, I found myself spiraling into the dark emotional hole of borderline depression and anxiety, attempting to assimilate into a college and friend culture which had changed in my absence, with unhappy thoughts of returning from such a wonderful three months and also overweight, which absolutely crushed my self-image.

After those life-changing three months in which I had lifelong friends and made memories of which I never would have dreamed possible in my dizziest daydreams, it was hard to leave a city in which I had always imagined living. Leaving meant never again will life nor time be the same. Those lovely friends I had made during that brief time would never be together in the same place, same time, in that perfect blink of a moment.

After Ireland, going back to work the following day was not the smartest idea as I did not allow time to decompress, to unwind, and deescalate from the traveling high which fellow explorers can appreciate....

As I see Superman struggle with this after only a few days of "perfection" on his cruise, I see commonalities in our thinking....desire to go out and traverse the world, to have fun, to break away from the mundane. It's hard to see that in someone else when I know the dark consequences of not being able to cope with returning from the place of my dreams and hope-to-be-future-home.

The wander-dumps are quite real and can, quite frankly, bite. However, this is why we seek out companionship in those who appreciate the rollercoaster of feelings associated with wanderlust and adventure.

Friday, March 4, 2016

2nd Amendment Target Practice

My Fajer instilled a respect and love for handling handguns and the skills required in order to hit the target where you want it to hit. Needless to say, when you've been going to the range since you were 9 years old, you pick up a few things, especially when you're Fajer was at the top of his long-range classes in the military. By far, I'm no expert, but I can hold my own against the guy known at the sportsman range in my hometown for knocking bulls-eyes with a slow-action trigger while sipping a cold one.

....which brings me to my range date with Big Bro. When he asked me if I was interested, it seemed a fairly no-brainer and sooo to the range we go, followed by noms.

Feeling like a BAMF.
I've shot rifles and other handhelds, but a 9mm just feels right in my hand. Mind you, I was a little off, adjusting to the different holds of Big Bro's glock and M&P and the VK {I think that's what it was??} rental.

Not too shabby for my first time in an indoor range. Lefty seems to be my preference as well as tends to have better accuracy... Oddities of an ambidextrous - some activities are equal, others are better performed by one hand over the other {get your mind out of the gutter}. 

Oh! And in other recent news: Mr. Hippy said, "yes," on Leap Year. He&I are going to be one power couple....even though he has no fingers and doesn't leave the house too often due to social anxiety.

Here's to silly rambling and nonsense on a nonsensical day.