I'll never be like [blank]

{and that's okay}

In speaking, on separate occasions, to friends and coworkers, I am guilty of the comparison-trap, the measuring-up against others to gauge my own self-worth. As a young teenager and now, as a young woman, I still find myself prey to these silly notions of being worthwhile.

All too often our perceptions of how others see us is distorted by our own self perceptions and current mood/state of mind.

Looking into the mirror {on the rare occasion I'm not simply applying makeup or making sure my shirt isn't on inside-out}, it's a rarity I don't find something to scrutinize, something I tell myself I should fix ASAP - it's a pitfall of mine, one I make an effort to adjust every single day.

Lately, I've been half-wishing I could be someone else for a day or have someone else take over my body while I doggie-paddle in my own negativity pool, zombie-walking through life, but during brief glimpse of light, have begun to ask myself why? Why do you want to be like someone else? Why change everything about you that makes you you?

The way we see and value ourselves can be a dangerous plight, one extreme {self-worthlessness} to the other {narcissism and selfishness} both damaging to the individual and those surrounding.

In this crazy life, I know I'll never be as skinny nor as pretty as the skinniest or prettiest girl, but I have worth - something I'm having to remind myself when I'm feeling caught on this hamster wheel of burnout, stress, and isolation in my self-doubt and feelings...

While comparing oneself is typically not healthy, healthy/positive attribute comparisons are certainly not a bad thing.

I want to strive to be as kind as my friend Heidi, as caring as my Mummy, as passionate about my career as Tree, as hardworking as Superman, as strong as my Nana.

One day, I'll get there. One baby step at a time with some buffalo wings thrown in there... Luckily, I have a broken record of kind words from loving and supportive friends and family.

And when all else fails, kitty snuggles never disappoint.

xxxx

Academia, furries, and black holes

Looking at little Theo, it's hard to believe it's been nearly 2 weeks since the little velociraptor first hissed at me....and now likes to be my best bud, still a little apprehensive of others, but a changed kitten since our first encounter.

The little cuppy-cake is fitting in quite well with this little chocolate muffin - they're taken quite a liking to one another and I'm just hoping when the time comes to give him up for a good home, the parting won't be too difficult, albeit Theo has already stolen my heart.

Even more so than traveling, I believe I have found my calling: giving love and care to sweet kitties and giving them a second chance like Theo. He's certainly a sweet little fur baby who needed special attention to bring out his lovable side.

Loki remains the baby of the group with his jealous tendencies and need for "Mumma time." This little boo was giving some lovey before I went off to start my first class of the first term of this MBA program, the Legal Environment of Business. Ironically enough, Internet Marketing is an online course {which was great, considering I'm just getting back into the swing of things with school}.

Class is going well - 2 weeks in and I'm staying on top of my assignments much better than I thought I would while juggling a job that often demands 50hrs/week in order to meet the needs of our customer aka have enough people on the shift who know the job and know it well in order to accomplish everything needed to be done.

In lieu of the enjoyment I'm having being a student again {oh, how I've missed being in the classroom!!} and receiving so much kitten love and snuggles, too frequently I've found myself ambling along the path of helplessness and feeling lost. Loosely planning a trip for my birthday in October seems to significantly boost my mood, but only temporarily as I look ahead at the possibility of still being in a position in which I dread even going to work.

Depression is not a light matter and should not be taken as such.

I feel as though I'm stuck in this career rut, yet perhaps many others my age feel the same way after accepting a job that offered decent pay for what they thought would be a way to earn experience to post on paper in the hopes of eventually reaching the end goal of a fulfilling and satisfying career path.

Feelings of stagnation are ever present, looming like a dark cloud as I lose hope in the chances I'll stumble upon another great opportunity {for this one was great, merely not what I wanted to do}. Knowing that I dread my job and the various tasks associated with it has only drained my psyche and that drive sometimes feels all but shriveled up inside....

Where is that girl with fire? ...passion? ...a sense of pride in what she does?

I'm slowly dying inside with every wasted minute - wasted in the sense that I am not enthusiastic nor believe in what I am doing anymore. Career stagnation and feeling the strain of the sacrifices made for a job I've slowly begun to refer to as "hell" are only continuing to mentally and psychologically drain me...

Perhaps there is an end is sight with recent job application submissions... For now, I'll be rotting toiling my life away, making feverish attempts at staying afloat in the drowning of swirling thoughts and emotions, constantly reminding myself there is an end in sight.

xxxx

Flowers and shell-shocked kittens

Temporary halt on production....

Anticipation is mounting with the start of classes starting this week {have I mentioned how excited I am??} and also a bit sleep-deprived from all of the excitement of the past few days off. Hello, Breaking Benjamin & Disturbed!

Returning home from the long trek up to Niagara Falls, a little nap was needed, plus some snuggles with the babies before I went in for work on Monday.

It's always so tough to go back to reality after such a lovely time away...how do you combat these reluctance to come back from cloud 9 of wanderlust?

Coming home to a bouquet of flowers and a note after running errands certainly helped! {perhaps less, or even in-, significant to some, but as I had never received flowers from a boy before.....}

Combined with these lovely roses, to tackle the onset of wanderlust blues, I've taken on a new warden: Superman and his grandfather found a kitty mumma and her kittens. This particular one made the mistake {or perhaps fortune} of being captured. Newly Christened "Theo" received a nice, long bath to rid him of dirt and debris and yucky fleas and then promptly took a nap all snug like a bug in a warm, cozy rug.

....this was after he screeched like a velociraptor and hissed so emphatically that he >popped< at the end like a big bubble. Poor thing sure was frightened and quite confused about everything and anything near him.

>what the hell is you doing to meh?<

<what is that thing in front of my face, large object restraining me?<

Eventually, he stopped hissing at me and making me jump....

>what are you doing, hooman? why are your lips on me?<

Theo is like many men: the key to their heart is food.

Little tiger was hungry and wouldn't eat from Athena and Loki's bowls so I hand-fed him to win his little heart over. Loki and Athena play so hard together that they didn't spend much time on whom they viewed as a little foreigner to them.

Hidden, fed, and {thank goodness} a quick learner at using the litter box, Theo was A-okay while I continued my time off with a crazy night of music in Virginia with some fun peeps.

Blurred lines of chaos and pure bliss - oh, how I've missed the rush of a brilliant rock show! Truthfully, I was a little bummed I missed one of Small Town Titans local shows whilst I was out of town as they seem to be occurring so infrequently as of late since they returned from tour....

...however, Breaking Benjamin and Disturbed {and a PokemonGo-entertained car ride to Virginia with some kickass people} was a fantastic show and I was quite thrilled to have been invited along ^_^

Here's to more adventures, rock shows, and kitty tales {tails}!

xxxx

Two is Better than One

I'm well on my way of becoming a crazy cat lady....kitty #2 is already well-adjusted to my little one-bedroom apartment.

My jealous Loki bear did not seem to appreciate me bringing home a friend, especially after being so spoiled in my care. Poor baby had to be locked out of my bedroom so little Athena and I could sleep....

This little nugget left a nice present on my bed right after this picture... Kitties aren't without their surprises.

I'm hoping these two muffins will become the best of kitty friends...after the sniffing and hissing is all finished...

For now, nap time is about the only thing they can agree upon, but at least it provides a bit of solace while I spend time snuggling these two babies and making them play nice.

Miss Athena is all about snuggles and giving kisses!

xxxx

Love & Other Drugs

Happy pills would be much appreciated.

Nugget of joy

Knowing one's self is an intricate part of development and a skill that can profoundly enhance a better sense of awareness, further ensuring a more fulfilling life as one can prepare to offset the negative aspects.

As I continue my career with blah-blah-blah, I'm continuously finding my happiness in jeopardy as I slowly lose my gourd, one idiotic incident at a time.

Those who know me, know of my dissatisfaction in my present position, that awful feeling of stagnation in which I feel entrapped, enticed to stay by current salary and title name, yet dread simply going into the office. My coworkers keep me sane....and I'd do anything for my direct reports, yet feel ensnared by the lure of the current finances as I look ahead at the loans I'm presently taking out to cover the costs of my impending graduate school courses.

I believe having Loki here is what is keeping me grounded - I have more of a purpose. Taking care of him and giving him so much love and attention fulfills oh-so-many of my needs....

Have you ever looked at someone and thought how much you truly love them with all of your heart? I'm head over heels for my sweet, and mischievous, little feline and know I'd take out anyone and anything to keep my little booby safe and content.

We all have our little routines and Loki, or Bubbie, or Boob, or Sweet Face {depending on what comes out of my mouth when I'm excited to see his darling kitten entity} fits perfectly into mine. He's integrated himself quite nicely and is so entangled in my heart, I can't imagine being without.

The little things in life - those are the things for which we live. A pleasant, rewarding and satisfying job career should be one of them, but for now, I need isthat paycheck to pay for his kibble and cat litter {and General Tsao's for this kitty Mummy}.

As June flies past us and July swiftly approaching, I can't help but wish for a more exciting job which will allow for more traveling opportunities and more snuggle time with my kitty.

xxxx

Work, Sleep, {sometimes} Eat

Summer seems to be, once again, slipping past as it did last year. Is this what life is like when you're old?? Perhaps working 45-58 hrs a week does that to one. Summer feels halfway over already yet I know we still have July and August ahead of us.

Orange is the New Black partner

I'm finding, at times, to have little motivation to do much at all in my spare time except sneak in extra snuggles with Loki and sleep as I continue to go to work sleep-deprived and anxiety-ridden. Being interim manager for a week with a crew that was disturbingly short across the board played its toll on me, meaning sleep took a nosedive but I guess that was good for my diet since it primarily consisted of Monster Zero and the occasional stir-fry.

Recently, I've found motivation a struggle to pursue - quite uncharacteristically of me. Bitterness and regret wreak havoc with my psyche, fueling the feelings of stagnation and entrapment, as well as disappointment in myself for not pushing harder to be {employed} somewhere happy and fulfilling.

The job-hunting has begun again and I'm leaping at every potential job posting which comes my way in the hopes it may be "the next great adventure," providing a career path, not simply a job & paycheck. The current job has only flared my usually-suppressed and mild temper to that of a great dragon, ready to lunge at its next victim who so comes near its treasure aka easily irked.

Hopeful that something will open up, albeit I feel quite trapped with the recent {high} pay raise. The nice bump I received is nothing to sneeze at, but at what cost does one sell their sanity, happiness, life?

Some play time and good noms with lovely company - a well-deserved break for these two hardworking gals. Oh, and a little bit of singing on my part. Yikes.

As my Pap Pap says, you're essentially selling your life to a company when you work. It should be fulfilling and rewarding as you can never get that time back. Much to reflect upon...

xxxx

Crazy Cat Lady Starter Pack

On 30 May, one wild kitty joined the Jacobs clan. Loki took the car ride to my apartment in stride and made himself right at home. By now, the little temper tantrums when I leave for work have boiled down to a minimum and he's nestled deep down in my heart.

Quickly had his collar put on while he was still slightly dazed and confused with the change of surroundings.

Many kisses and snuggles ensued in order to make the little lovebug feel at ease in his new home.

Loki loves: naps, cuddling, toilet paper, Cowboy Crunch chicken, and ice cubes.

Work hard, play hard, then crash. I love getting to know this furry bundle of joy {and wild antics} as we figure out each day one by one. Little guy gets tuckered out after he spends much time being a little terror around the apartment and playing with his hoooman.

All of the scratches and bites and hours of sleep lost have been worth it.

His favorite spot to be: inside the crook of my arm.

Little Loki has me wrapped tight around his tail. When he's acting up, I'll scoop him up and hold him like a baby as I walk around the apartment, get ready for work, or go fetch the mail from outside. He's much like a toddler in that sense...going limp and chill the moment he's picked up.

I've become that cat lady who takes innumerous pictures of her cat...

Daily snuggles are a must and exactly what I'll be looking forward to for the duration of the day.

xxxx

I Can Hear the Bells

On Saturday, my beautiful and smarty pants best friend tied the knot with her sweet love {and also became an aunt}.

And what a lovely day for a wedding!

The day started off with extra exciting news as the world welcomed in the birth of Grace Elaine a few short hours before the wedding. I guess Baby wanted to make a grand entrance as she was a week late.

Walker Gardens in Bigler, PA offered quite the view! For more info, visit their Facebook page, or for some more info on the lovely areas surrounding my hometown, Explore PA History.

My pretty sis looking pretty and cool in her breezy dress and sandals.

Heidi's favorite color is purple so she had her bridesmaids dressed in three varying shades. The dark purple looked lovely on her second oldest sister, especially with the cute baby bump :)

Little sister Ali looked stunning in her lighter shade of purple.

Luckily, I didn't look too out of place with red hair and fair skin. So honored to be by her side as Maid of Honor!

The absolutely stunning bride. Yes, indeed, I teared up a bit seeing my best friend walk down the aisle. The look on her face...dang. Her face beamed with all of the love and happiness and simply radiated from her.

Miles certainly lit up as her father lifted her mother's bridal veil, which was her "something borrowed."

Slightly washed out lighting, but Mummy looks fiiiiiiine.

Sister lovin' to the utmost level.

Mummy and her girlies, fierce ladies all around and two of my favorite people.

Overall, a lovely day and I couldn't be happier for the couple! I may be a little jealous of their adventure across the country to the state of Washington!

Mr. and Mrs. Miles Ridgway...has a nice ring to it, non?

Best of wishes and much love to the new couple!

xxxx

What's Wrong with Being Confident?

...naturally, Demi's voice started ringing through my head wie ein Ohrworm like an ear worm.




A business trip to company headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota for leadership training and development led to some serious reflections and realizations.

I felt increasingly more aware of just how much stuff I knew, especially when placed in a culminating group of adults who have been leaders with many years under their belts, some with resumes boasting of managerial experience longer than my personal timeline.

Feeling good in your skin
definitely makes a difference.

I love that little epiphany when you come to realize just how much you know when a presenter asks a question and all around there are blank stares and you solely have the answer, or a suggestion for an issue another account is having based on your relatively short amount of experience.

It's a bit scary and also empowering.

In leading others, it's not just about the confidence in yourself, but exuding that in order to convince others of your competency. The obstacles faced on a day-to-day basis build character and instill that confidence while increasing your knowledge-base, which, in turn, only reassures belief in yourself.

In between all of the training, there was plenty of time for some fun in the Twin Cities.

First stop was Mall of America.

Dave & Buster's provided a great time to get to know leaders from other accounts across the country and let loose the inner child in all of us!

I couldn't stay away....two evening visits to the second largest mall in the United States! And yes, I definitely rode one of the roller coasters while I had the chance!

A little retail therapy doesn't hurt ;)

An interesting week, well worth the long hours of travel. Many connections made, as well as beautiful sights seen and I sure learned quite a bit.

The best part? Having Superman waiting for me at the airport.

xxxx