Love & Other Drugs

Happy pills would be much appreciated.

Nugget of joy

Knowing one's self is an intricate part of development and a skill that can profoundly enhance a better sense of awareness, further ensuring a more fulfilling life as one can prepare to offset the negative aspects.

As I continue my career with blah-blah-blah, I'm continuously finding my happiness in jeopardy as I slowly lose my gourd, one idiotic incident at a time.

Those who know me, know of my dissatisfaction in my present position, that awful feeling of stagnation in which I feel entrapped, enticed to stay by current salary and title name, yet dread simply going into the office. My coworkers keep me sane....and I'd do anything for my direct reports, yet feel ensnared by the lure of the current finances as I look ahead at the loans I'm presently taking out to cover the costs of my impending graduate school courses.

I believe having Loki here is what is keeping me grounded - I have more of a purpose. Taking care of him and giving him so much love and attention fulfills oh-so-many of my needs....

Have you ever looked at someone and thought how much you truly love them with all of your heart? I'm head over heels for my sweet, and mischievous, little feline and know I'd take out anyone and anything to keep my little booby safe and content.

We all have our little routines and Loki, or Bubbie, or Boob, or Sweet Face {depending on what comes out of my mouth when I'm excited to see his darling kitten entity} fits perfectly into mine. He's integrated himself quite nicely and is so entangled in my heart, I can't imagine being without.

The little things in life - those are the things for which we live. A pleasant, rewarding and satisfying job career should be one of them, but for now, I need isthat paycheck to pay for his kibble and cat litter {and General Tsao's for this kitty Mummy}.

As June flies past us and July swiftly approaching, I can't help but wish for a more exciting job which will allow for more traveling opportunities and more snuggle time with my kitty.

xxxx

Work, Sleep, {sometimes} Eat

Summer seems to be, once again, slipping past as it did last year. Is this what life is like when you're old?? Perhaps working 45-58 hrs a week does that to one. Summer feels halfway over already yet I know we still have July and August ahead of us.

Orange is the New Black partner

I'm finding, at times, to have little motivation to do much at all in my spare time except sneak in extra snuggles with Loki and sleep as I continue to go to work sleep-deprived and anxiety-ridden. Being interim manager for a week with a crew that was disturbingly short across the board played its toll on me, meaning sleep took a nosedive but I guess that was good for my diet since it primarily consisted of Monster Zero and the occasional stir-fry.

Recently, I've found motivation a struggle to pursue - quite uncharacteristically of me. Bitterness and regret wreak havoc with my psyche, fueling the feelings of stagnation and entrapment, as well as disappointment in myself for not pushing harder to be {employed} somewhere happy and fulfilling.

The job-hunting has begun again and I'm leaping at every potential job posting which comes my way in the hopes it may be "the next great adventure," providing a career path, not simply a job & paycheck. The current job has only flared my usually-suppressed and mild temper to that of a great dragon, ready to lunge at its next victim who so comes near its treasure aka easily irked.

Hopeful that something will open up, albeit I feel quite trapped with the recent {high} pay raise. The nice bump I received is nothing to sneeze at, but at what cost does one sell their sanity, happiness, life?

Some play time and good noms with lovely company - a well-deserved break for these two hardworking gals. Oh, and a little bit of singing on my part. Yikes.

As my Pap Pap says, you're essentially selling your life to a company when you work. It should be fulfilling and rewarding as you can never get that time back. Much to reflect upon...

xxxx

Crazy Cat Lady Starter Pack

On 30 May, one wild kitty joined the Jacobs clan. Loki took the car ride to my apartment in stride and made himself right at home. By now, the little temper tantrums when I leave for work have boiled down to a minimum and he's nestled deep down in my heart.

Quickly had his collar put on while he was still slightly dazed and confused with the change of surroundings.

Many kisses and snuggles ensued in order to make the little lovebug feel at ease in his new home.

Loki loves: naps, cuddling, toilet paper, Cowboy Crunch chicken, and ice cubes.

Work hard, play hard, then crash. I love getting to know this furry bundle of joy {and wild antics} as we figure out each day one by one. Little guy gets tuckered out after he spends much time being a little terror around the apartment and playing with his hoooman.

All of the scratches and bites and hours of sleep lost have been worth it.

His favorite spot to be: inside the crook of my arm.

Little Loki has me wrapped tight around his tail. When he's acting up, I'll scoop him up and hold him like a baby as I walk around the apartment, get ready for work, or go fetch the mail from outside. He's much like a toddler in that sense...going limp and chill the moment he's picked up.

I've become that cat lady who takes innumerous pictures of her cat...

Daily snuggles are a must and exactly what I'll be looking forward to for the duration of the day.

xxxx

I Can Hear the Bells

On Saturday, my beautiful and smarty pants best friend tied the knot with her sweet love {and also became an aunt}.

And what a lovely day for a wedding!

The day started off with extra exciting news as the world welcomed in the birth of Grace Elaine a few short hours before the wedding. I guess Baby wanted to make a grand entrance as she was a week late.

Walker Gardens in Bigler, PA offered quite the view! For more info, visit their Facebook page, or for some more info on the lovely areas surrounding my hometown, Explore PA History.

My pretty sis looking pretty and cool in her breezy dress and sandals.

Heidi's favorite color is purple so she had her bridesmaids dressed in three varying shades. The dark purple looked lovely on her second oldest sister, especially with the cute baby bump :)

Little sister Ali looked stunning in her lighter shade of purple.

Luckily, I didn't look too out of place with red hair and fair skin. So honored to be by her side as Maid of Honor!

The absolutely stunning bride. Yes, indeed, I teared up a bit seeing my best friend walk down the aisle. The look on her face...dang. Her face beamed with all of the love and happiness and simply radiated from her.

Miles certainly lit up as her father lifted her mother's bridal veil, which was her "something borrowed."

Slightly washed out lighting, but Mummy looks fiiiiiiine.

Sister lovin' to the utmost level.

Mummy and her girlies, fierce ladies all around and two of my favorite people.

Overall, a lovely day and I couldn't be happier for the couple! I may be a little jealous of their adventure across the country to the state of Washington!

Mr. and Mrs. Miles Ridgway...has a nice ring to it, non?

Best of wishes and much love to the new couple!

xxxx

What's Wrong with Being Confident?

...naturally, Demi's voice started ringing through my head wie ein Ohrworm like an ear worm.




A business trip to company headquarters in Minneapolis, Minnesota for leadership training and development led to some serious reflections and realizations.

I felt increasingly more aware of just how much stuff I knew, especially when placed in a culminating group of adults who have been leaders with many years under their belts, some with resumes boasting of managerial experience longer than my personal timeline.

Feeling good in your skin
definitely makes a difference.

I love that little epiphany when you come to realize just how much you know when a presenter asks a question and all around there are blank stares and you solely have the answer, or a suggestion for an issue another account is having based on your relatively short amount of experience.

It's a bit scary and also empowering.

In leading others, it's not just about the confidence in yourself, but exuding that in order to convince others of your competency. The obstacles faced on a day-to-day basis build character and instill that confidence while increasing your knowledge-base, which, in turn, only reassures belief in yourself.

In between all of the training, there was plenty of time for some fun in the Twin Cities.

First stop was Mall of America.

Dave & Buster's provided a great time to get to know leaders from other accounts across the country and let loose the inner child in all of us!

I couldn't stay away....two evening visits to the second largest mall in the United States! And yes, I definitely rode one of the roller coasters while I had the chance!

A little retail therapy doesn't hurt ;)

An interesting week, well worth the long hours of travel. Many connections made, as well as beautiful sights seen and I sure learned quite a bit.

The best part? Having Superman waiting for me at the airport.

xxxx

Happy Celebrations

On Sunday, my bestie walked down her first of two upcoming aisles to graduate with not just one, but two degrees - her undergraduate and graduate. So happy and proud I could be there to watch her achieve one of her many goals!

May 8, 2016
University Park

 The past two weekends were filled with half work, half play & excitement. With graduation over, the following weekend I was able to spend some more time with the bride-to-be at her bachelorette party before driving off again from home to wedding #2 of the season.

Conner & Sam were high school sweethearts and I had the pleasure of meeting them during my freshmen year of college.

May 14, 2016
Vineyards at Grandview, Mt Joy

A mini LVC reunion of lovely friends on this joyous occasion ^_^

The rain didn't put a damper on events {albeit it may take me a while to clean the mud off of my heels} - a rainbow appeared and hopefully it'll bring much happiness and luck on their new chapter together!

Best man, and one of my lovely friends, Nick serenaded the couple for their first dance..

A bit of personal celebration: I'll be going back for my MBA starting this summer! Feeling inspired by my bestie & her perseverance and will finally be taking the plunge back into school to better myself and see what doors may open up as a result.

Nerd alert: going to be a student again! Oh, and going to be taking advantage of the student discounts once again, duh.

Oddly enough, I don't look all that different from when I had my ID photo taken 5 years ago *awkward*

xxxx

Extensions of the Skin

Our clothing choices can often paint a surface-deep {or further} picture of our personality, our lifestyle, our feelings, etc. The articles of clothing we place upon our bodies is very much an extension of the skin in a sort, a visual projector onto the world. This even applies to uniforms, no matter how we may enjoy or loathe them - it connects us to our schoolmates, coworkers, fellow businessmen {or -women}, brothers {or sisters} in arms, etc.

A bold cat eye seems to become my special little uniform for days I wish to be productive. Paired with a bold lippy, and my little transformation from a blah day to a fabulous, accomplished day is complete.

When you feel like yourself, motivation goes up!

If we are only granted a finite number of days on this earth, why not feel comfortable in the clothes we place upon our backs? Take advantage of the circumstances which allow free dress - or check out a nude beach or nudest community if you'd rather not wear anything at all.

Love the skin you're in, but also the materials you put your skin in.

xxxx

May the Fourth Be with You

Star Wars Day should, without a doubt, be a fun {and nationally celebrated} holiday. I sure as heck would have allowed my employees to wear something in commemoration of the fantastically epic saga.

Coincidentally, one of my days off for the week fell on Star Wars Day, so I was able to run errands and change my outfit a few times at my leisure in order to wear a few of my many SW regalia.

Of course, I jokingly told my employees that I had off because it was SW Day.

The greatest mask $.25 can buy from Goodwill.

xxxx

Beer Meister

Savant.
Beer connoisseur.

In jest I've said: I work to pay for the beer which I drink because of my job.

However, based on my Untappd account, this is not necessarily the case - I merely love beer, the mechanics and process of its coming to be, the smell of some good hops & bitters, and exploring the divine world of beercrafting.

Trying new things is not inherently a bad habit - one of curiosity and bravery to tease the palate with new tastes, delicious or not so much, according to one's individual taste preferences.

In accordance to this curiosity, I'm making it a summer goal of mine to branch out and explore as many breweries as I can as I feel I have only begun to scratch the surface of what these fine establishments have to offer.

Microbrewing is a staple in Germany with a majority of its restaurants having their own house brew concocted above and around the heads of its dining patrons. While I would love to take a spontaneous trip out east across to the magical Beer Wonderland, paying too far ahead on bills has put a bittersweet damper on the wallet - hurray to loans nearly being paid off, boo to not budgeting better for surprise expenses.

I do admit, however, I can be a creature of habit, resorting back to my absolute favorites such as Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy or the delicious new limited edition Redd's blueberry ale. The blueberry ale is new, though, so that counts as branching out, right? Otter Creek's Fresh Slice white IPA is fairly delish and was a new taste for my tongue earlier this week.

Thank goodness for the ever-resourceful Google for seeking places new adventures and stomping grounds...which I've found myself doing as I await anxiously amid the storm, perking my ears to hear the door creak through the din of the thunder, and contemplating the emotional swirl in my heart which my brain is always trying to unweave in order to understand.

Current reflection: that no one will see the tears you cry if they're shed behind closed doors, the ruined mascara saved for a private showing with the only viewer staring back at you in the mirror.

I guess it's rather fitting the weather is coinciding with the flaring tempers and upset feelings of those among us... As I sip my fruity-tooty strawberry wine, I'm feeling oddly at peace finishing up my thoughts and the adventure-planning wheels are whirling inside.

....and to all a good night.

xxxx

Happy Gas Masks

Gas masks became a staple of a soldier's uniform during the early 20th century with the highly prevalent use of chemical warfare tactics. As such, by the time WW2 broke out, millions of these masks would be issued to British families in the event such merciless weapons would be dropped on citizens by plane. In short, the gas mask was intended to ensure the wearer clear, purified air amid a chemically-aerated environment, a protection against the outside.

We, as humans, don a comparable mask at times, a proverbial one or one of more tangible means, such as makeup or a hat, a transparent talisman, as a way to shut out the "bad" or convince ourselves everything is okay when, internally, we know that is not the case.

We think we know someone at their surface but until the walls come down and the edges of their invisible force field peel back, we may never truly know someone deep down to the core.

While there are many days it's not about covering up feelings, but rather an embarrassing blemish that sticks out like a sore thumb, I don't always feel comfortable without makeup... On those days, when I'm just not feeling up to the day's expectations, I'll take extra care on how I prepare my face so as not to give away any indicator that I'm not up to my 100%.

Sometimes a bold cat-eye can improve even the darkest of moods, though...like they say, "fake it until you make it." When you see yourself smiling, even if it's for the sake of others, or even due to others' positive vibes, that alone can boost your confidence that maybe the day isn't so terrible or maybe everyone around you isn't such an idiot... {daily thoughts at work when I'm feeling overwhelmed}.

When all else fails, be thankful for the moments you can come home, let your hair down, and laugh at all of the ridiculous idiocies you've encountered during the day, week, fortnight, etc. In a world filled with baby sloth videos online and fluffy Chewbacca robes, it's hard to stay locked away inside the shell for too long.

Hoist the white flag, break out of the carbonite, and learn to just let go once in a while, even if it's just to your stuffed animals at first. By all means, keep your little gas mask for special occasions in which it may prove useful, but learning to trust a select few can lend itself to getting to know some pretty incredible people and even open your eyes to your own true self.

I'm about to go break down some internal walls of self-conflict....brb.

xxxx

A Woman's Worth

Why do we use the feminine pronoun for cars, boats, means of transportation on which men ride, etc...? Perhaps because that's "how it has always been" or because there has been a societal inclination to value femininity on some pedestal, making vehicles comparable to a woman. {Thinking out loud}

What does "ladylike" and "feminine" even mean? {Aside from the dictionary meaning, smart aleck} Can't women be strong, timid, brave, rugged, pristine, tomboyish, enjoy Tonka Trucks and Barbie dolls, etc.? Once again, I take it one step beyond in order to be thought-provoking... I see how magazines collaborate life and fashion, but it all still seems hokey in the scheme of things, with an intent on morphing us for improvement towards societal ideals. Even in the 21st century, there's still that fight to prove oneself in the dog-eat-dog "man's world."

My parents have told me before to be more "ladylike" and that I'm "not with the boys anymore," referencing my high school years of wrestling on the boys' team. This is where the questioning comes in - what makes one "ladylike," these archaic societal rules of crossing one's legs, wearing dresses.... Perhaps what they meant was I should be more mindful {okay, I've stopped burping at the table as we're not in an Eastern country which views this as polite}. Yet this could be counted as somewhat counter-intuitive as they have taught me the meaning of hard work and independence so my sister and I would never have to depend upon someone else, but be interdependent, which is how I've always viewed my parents - equal partners in life and marriage.

On a deeper, more personal scale, I still struggle with my own feeling of self worth, whether that be as a woman, a career-goer, friend, daughter. After years of correlating the size of  my pants with personal success, a constant battle to excel in the acceleration of grades and accomplishments while simultaneously accounting a declination in weight as a metric. Any misdeed, any mishap or mistake, any screw up, and I felt myself unworthy to eat that day or should be punished with an extra 500 crunches. In my mind, I deserved the punishment because any wrongdoing meant I sucked for messing up. Those feelings of self-doubt don't simply cease, albeit it seems so much easier to prove my muster externally than convince myself otherwise...

However, this is perverse way of thinking is not an isolated case, but a prevalent occurrence, self-doubt being an infectious worm infiltrating even the best of minds {not that mine falls into that category...}

Touching gingerly upon taboo subjects {among older generations}, tattoos and piercings - I had an intricately spun spiel on such matters in my Notes app which is conveniently inaccessible in my currently broken iPhone, but may be recoverable upon its resuscitation, these more detailed options may need to wait...as such, why are these seen as either an enhancer or detractor on women? Why can't they be taken as they are, art? Just as equally, so is bare skin; it is our choices to make our bodies into the type of art we wish to project. Our skin, it is a living, breathing chalice of life, whether it be permanently marked from ink or follies a{scars}, or not. Every etching upon the flesh has a story or a mere "just because," but even that lends itself to the beauty the body is...

Latest ink in her own handwriting: Love Grammy

Labels: why can't actions speak louder than the ink on our skin or the curvature of our face/body?

Multiple tangents unfolding and weaving all at once, I'm afraid.

xxxx

Update: dumb me forgot the last backup was at the end of January, so no go on those Notes... *sigh*